I Will Fight For You

Partying Is Dead, Heartbreaks Are In.

         It was Friday morning; I had thirty minutes left before I had to leave for school.

"Please carmin?" Mattie, my little brother, was on my tail as I trailed through the house in a hurry. I'd woken up late today.

"Matt, can you please drop it. I can't talk about this now" I didn't even eat yet much less drink coffee and he was bombing my head right now.

"Please carmin, Please?" He was practically begging.

"I can't, I'm busy Mattie."

"But we never hang out anymore." My little brother said walking exactly behind me as I entered my room. He'd been my little shadow since he found me talking party plans over the phone with Hannah the morning before.

I got fed up, I tuned around to face him placing my hands on my hips, "Yeah, is that so? Well the only reason you want to 'hang' with me is because I'm going to a party."

How dumb did he think I was? There was no way I was going to take him with me tonight, especially tonight.

"That's not true, well sort of," he said sheepishly, "but we don't have to go to Jay's party we can go for ice cream or a movie like the old days."

Ok, now it seemed like he was begging.

"I can't, I'm busy, Mattie, some other time" And now I was starting to get irritated. I had things I needed to get done and not a lot of time left.

"But you promised you'd spend time with me. Like we used to." he pleaded.

"And I will just not this week, ok? Some other time." I was rushing; I couldn't seem to find anything I actually needed. The car was going to be here soon to pick me up for school. Literally, any moment now, I needed to hurry.

I took a glance at Mattie's face, he looked hurt, "You never spend time with me anymore. No one ever has enough time anymore. Not since mom died." He was shouting now.

"Dads never home to spend enough time with us but when he is he's always with you. You. Not me. You. Everything's about you! Everything's always about you." His eyes held a hate in them but mainly sadness.

I halted, "Mattie."

"When mom was here it was never like this. I bet if she was still here it wouldn't be like this." He said dribbling over his words. "But she's not here so I don't have any one. Dads always at work, you're always with your stupid friends, too busy fighting and getting all the attention to see that I'm all alone. I bet if I left you wouldn't even notice. No one would notice but max. How pathetic is that our dog out of all people would probably only miss me."

His tears flow down his face like the rush of a river. I was about to speak but couldn't not with the glare he directed at me.

He then ran to his room, "Ugh, I hate this house, I hate my life, I hate you!" I couldn't react, I heard him slam his door shut from down the hall.

I just stood there not knowing what to do.

What are you supposed to do when your little brother yells at you saying he hates you?

I stood there for what felt like forever. I couldn't have heard him any clearer but the words all felt weird to me. Have I really neglected Mattie? I picked up my bag from the floor of the bed.

Had I left my little brother to fend for himself?

Did he really believe he was all alone?

How could that possibly be true? Almost everything I've done in my life has been for Mattie. Ever since our mom died, I've spent sleepless nights looking out for him. I've skipped school just to take care of Mattie.

I've been to every school event, every soccer game, every doctors visit, didn't any of those count?

I slowly walked passed his door on my way to go down. Was I being inconsiderate? Did Mattie feel like I was annoyed that I had to take care of him, that me wanting to just hang out and be with him wasn't something I wanted?

Tears stung my eyes, the day we lost our mother I swore I was going to take care of him. Even if that meant putting all of his needs and well being before mine.

It was hard, I was young- still am. I was trying, I tried my very best to make Mattie happy. To give him a life where the heartache of not having a mom wouldn't weigh him down. I knew I would never replace our mother but damn did I try to make Mattie the way she always made us feel.

My mother... my heart ached. I honestly tried, mom.

Not for the first time, I felt lost.

Not for the first time, I didn't know what to do.

Not for the first time, I wondered how my mom would have reacted.

And definitely not for the first time, I scolded myself on how much of a fuck up I was when it came to looking after my little brother.