I Will Fight For You

Rambunctious Riley

           I really hadn't thought this through. Not only were we in the halls alone but also it was eerily silent. The only source of noise came from the cafeteria we had just exited.

"Carmin," it was a soft whisper, very soft, but I still heard him. I just chose to ignore him, "Carmin." shit, was I sure I was ready for this talk?

I was walking about five feet ahead of him but as he grabbed my wrist to stop me from walking I turned around to realize just how close he'd gotten. He came even closer. I had to resist the urge to step back or I'd probably hurt his feelings more. Something I didn't want to do.

"I just, I just," he sighed struggling to get his feelings out. So, I did the only thing I could think of and hugged him. He froze but then relaxed as I wrapped my arms around his waist and tucked my face in the crook of his neck breathing in his scent, That being a bit hard seeing as how tall he was. My head was on his chest. I couldn't understand why I'd done it but never before did I ever need a reason to question why I couldn't hug my bestfriend.

He didn't hug me back as I expected him to do. It hurt a little until he rested one hand on my waist while his right hand threaded through my hair to cradle my head. He really did smell good. Stop it.

"You know I love you, right?" He voice came out hoarsely.

"And I love you, too" I replied instantly. It was true I did love him, wholeheartedly.

I heard his intake of breath and felt his hand tighten on my waist, and then I knew my mistake. He wasn't looking for an answer much less how I loved him back. As a friend, especially. Well shit.

"I know, but-" he started.

"But what?" I pulled back to look up at him. He was tall, way taller than me. He hadn't released his grip on me, though. I didn't want him to. I really didn't. He took a deep breath, eyes closing, both hands tightened on my waist as if I'd run away as soon as he opened his mouth. Would I have run though? I mean, I didn't this morning. Kind of. Ok, maybe.

"I don't want any- any of us to get hurt, even Hannah. So, I need you. I need you to tell me now; what's going on with us? What's going to happen? Is there even an us? Should I keep going with hope knowing there is a possibility or give up knowing it wouldn't have happened?" What in the world. "We're best friends and frankly that's not enough, right now. And, right now, I can't fucking comprehend what's going on. It's like the more I try to persuade myself into not liking you, the more I do" Eyes still closed he released a nervous chuckle.

I froze, I didn't know to say. My tongue felt dry.

"I had actually tried to brainwash myself into hating you. But, look how well that turned out. I don't know when it started or how but all I knew was after days of denial I finally admitted the truth that was in front of me all these years; I loved you- no! I'm in love with you! And that pains me so goddamn much that it fucking hurts, literally. I was so hung up on you not knowing nor liking me back that I took a swing and ended up being worse than the guy. And that says something, 'cause you taught me to fight."

He took a step back to look at me, hand still cradling my head "I tried so hard to show you. I was so scared you'd realize what was going on and stop being my friend. So instead of telling you, I tried to show you how much I cared about you and the things you loved." He stopped taking in my lack of response. Honestly, I didn't know what to say.

I stood still frozen, I could only imagine the expression I had on my face. What did I look like to him? It must have been worse that I thought l.

"I. I. I don't know what I'm saying" he stuttered out his words embarrassed, finally releasing his hold on me. He turned as if to leave.

Oh, Riley.