I Will Fight For You

A Million More Please.

I couldn't take it anymore. After restless turning for thirty minutes I took a shower then resumed my spot on the bed but I was restless. I couldn't sleep for the life of me. That's when I had enough. I dashed out of bed in search of the brown haired, stubborn boy I call my brother. I couldn't take it. It hurt so much that it felt like it was eating me alive. I couldn't imagine what he must be feeling.

My attempts to talk to him were futile once I realized he was no longer in the kitchen. I quickly raced up to his room. I stopped short of it, uncertainty made itself known in my thoughts. But I couldn't be selfish and retreat back to my room. My little brother was in pain and I had to stop acting like a child.

I knocked 3 quick raps on the door. Seconds felt like minutes. He didn't open more like meekly yelled a what. Which sounded frustrated. I turned the handle then stepped into his room. He was on his bed math book opened but pushed to the side as if he'd tried then finally given up.

I didn't know what to say as I stepped further into his room. His eyes met mine and I saw the pain and anguish and my heart broke even more. I didn't know what to say so I just sat next to him and hugged him. His arms wrapped around me immediately. He was silently crying but I felt his body sigh as if a big weight had been lifted off his chest. If my heart even could it broke into a million more pieces.

*

"Mattie.." I almost whispered, scared that my voice might break up the mirage like situations causing it to disappear. I'd been over an hour ago when I came to Mattie. Long since he's fallen asleep curled up next to me. I remember the days where I'd spent nights with him because he'd only fall asleep if I were by his side. I smiled at the memory. We had indeed grown apart. Part of me blamed it on being a teen and growing up but I knew there was things I could have done to kept us close. I just wished I'd paid closer attention.

We weren't in great terms but I had a start. I needed for him to hear everything. So he knows how much he means to me. For him never to not feel love and have self doubt. But for now I could wait. Seeing him so calm and at peace lightened my heart a little. I'll wait till morning. For now it was time for me to leave. I almost didn't want to but I did.

*

I had arrived at the party before eleven still Jay had made headway. There was a bunch of people hanging out and having fun. I almost changed my mind about five times. Three, about actually going and, two, about changing. With Jay's ironed shirt in one hand and the other pulling the dress I wore a bit lower down my thighs I heading into the house. I spent about five minutes not really looking for him before just deciding to drop his shirt in his room. Once there I ran through his closet till I found a fit-able jean shirt with pockets to place my phone, keys and other essentials. I took comfort in the button up shirt because of the dress I wore which had a spaghetti strap. I rolled up the sleeps passed my elbow, deciding it looked way better unbutton, obviously, before walking out the room to join the party. I saw Hannah immediately once I was out the hallway. She was sitting on the couch next to a few friends of ours.

Had he told her?

"Hey" she too spotted me instantly. I guess he hadn't. I walked over saying formalities to everyone before apologizing to her about not answering her text using Mattie as an excuse. Wrong I know, add it to the list, I guess. Truth was I was just trying to avoid her as long as I could.

One thing about Hannah would be that she's understanding. Her kind heart made her anything but judgmental. If anyone I had trusted and know true to confide in it was Hannah. So why was it I couldn't actually bring myself to confide in her about Riley?

I mentally sighed. I was scared, scared about how she would react. I was scared our relationship would stumble. Would she understand or throw apprehension to the wind. A person could only know so much. Had I given Hannah too much shit? I messed up. I know I should tell her. As much as I don't want to, I will, because best friends don't keep secrets from each other. I rather her know it through me than her finding it out through a whirlpool called high school gossip.

We hugged, she handed me a can of cold soda and a cup from off the table. Sprite. Ew. She must have seen my face because she laughed aloud. I stuck my tongue out at her and went to grab another drink from the kitchen.

The atmosphere of the party was nice. The music was booming, they had placed the big speakers in the back and a small one in the middle of the house. Some popular song I heard a few times on the radio currently played. Hannah sat on the couch intensively listening to some female complain about some social media drama. People where mingling in and out the kitchen and the backyard. I remember they set up drinks in the kitchen. There were a quite a few people in the pool. I wish I had remembered to bring swim wear. I looked down at my attire.

Maybe I could borrow one of jay's shorts.

I was practically stealing his close. I'd be lying if I said it was the first. My stomach grumbled, I forgot to eat before I came. I left Hannah's side to double check the kitchen for snacks and I got lucky it just so happened to have.

*

I stood behind the couch where Hannah's had remained. I had been quiet for the last few minutes my mind going back and forth on deciding if I should tell her. I was swirling the half empty cup of soda in my hand, not really paying attention to my surroundings, till Hannah pinched me in the arm. I realized she was taking to me, nodding her head over in the other direction. I obviously had no idea of what she was saying but I did turn my head the direction to which she was pointing to.

Riley. My breath caught in my throat. He just walked through the doors. His eyes searching before landing on Hannah. A smile etched on his face before he noticed me behind her. The smile he was sending her instantly dropped. It seemed as if he hesitated coming this way but he did so. Hannah jumped up to met him, by the smile on her face my earlier assumptions about him not telling her was right. Or maybe he just hadn't gotten a chance yet.

Should I stay or walk away, would that be too obvious? Maybe only to him.

"Hey" I heard them exchange greetings. I stared at him. What was that feeling? Fright. Afraid of your friend finding out you betrayed her? My response came out meeker than the rest of anticipated greetings.

He hadn't said anything to me maybe it was because Hannah chose that moment to question him but if she hadn't would he have? I silently hoped it was the cause of Hannah.

"Where have you been? Gosh, I was starting to think you weren't going to come" her voice rushed out. My thoughts exactly.

"No" he said turning slightly to the side, "was just caught up, that's all." He turned back shrugged then smiled at her. His eyes fastened on mine. It was then I realized I had been staring at him the entire time. My eyes dragged down to the half empty, almost fizzed out cup of soda in my hands.

What else could I have said? Despite my brewing dilemma, Hannah and him eased into a conversation I wasn't paying much attention to. I needed to talk to Hannah privately but I couldn't just drag her away without it being suspicious. What would happen if he told her? Especially if he didn't do it in the best way he could. That could start shit. Someone could probably overhear them.

Another mental sigh, Back again with not knowing what to do. I couldn't just stay there standing staring off at carbonated beverages all night. So I did the only thing I could think of, I excused myself and left to go get drunk. Liquid courage would be the way to go tonight. I just hoped, again, it wouldn't take me too far. But you know what they say; misery loves company. And that's exactly what I got that night.