Despicable Desires

Episode 35

Jayden

"Seven. Seven days since I put up with the distance between Adeline and myself. Seven days since my mother caught me leaving her room after we spent the night together. I quickly put on my sweatpants, pulled on my t-shirt, and left the room on tiptoes. I was both happy to have let things happen and afraid of what was to come, but I was ready. Ready to stop fighting or pushing her away. That morning, however, I was far from imagining what was about to hit me. I was carefree, I had a light heart, and I had let go. It is in those moments that the backlash is most brutal. I should have been wary of the silence; I should have felt that something was in the air and that I was facing everything I had always feared. My mother was there, her arms crossed over her chest, looking at me with incomprehension from the middle of the hallway. The door to her room was still slightly ajar, a sign that she had not planned to get out of bed for long. It was five in the morning. She looked tired and lost. I stopped dead in my tracks, my legs almost buckling under the looks she threw at the door in front of me. I knew immediately that she had understood.

***

"What were you doing in that room?" she asks, taking a threatening step in my direction. Any trace of astonishment is gone, replaced by pure rage distorting her face.

"It's not what you think," I reply. Obviously not believing me, she quickly turns to make sure no one is witnessing our exchange before continuing in an uncompromising tone: "Can you imagine if it had been Henri who came out? Damn it, Jayden. Do you realize what you just did?" It's the first time I've seen her curse in front of me. She who is always careful with the words she uses. I flinch because I have no excuse. She knows. Her scolding tone does not hide the disappointment I see in her eyes. The feeling of having hurt her is the hardest to bear.

"Do you not understand that what happened was serious?" I remain silent, unable to justify myself, and find an echo in her words as I gradually realize that I let my feelings speak without thinking of the consequences. Our family. Our parents.

"Jayden, look at me when I'm talking to you. How long has this been going on?"

***

I looked up at her, discouraged and helpless. I replied with the only thing that seemed reasonable and right at that moment. I swore it was a mistake and it wouldn't happen again. Never. I promised my mother, looking her in the eye, that I had acted like an idiot, taking advantage of Adeline 's moment of weakness to seduce her. I begged my mother not to tell anyone and that she wouldn't have to worry anymore. She believed me.

I stayed away from Adeline, ignoring her looks, gestures, smiles, and attempts to talk to me. I fought not to give in. I tried in every way to avoid her before she could lower my guard again. I distanced myself, as I had done for the past few years. I resisted until I found her on my bed. Embarrassed that she had the nerve to come to my room and sad that we had ended up there. That was my turning point. I had to push her away even harder to make her stop. What we had done should never happen again and should never be known. We had gone too far and it had to stop. Right now. It was for our own good, and more importantly, for the good of this blended family that I am having a hard time accepting. But she is my half-sister and I have to deal with it.

I grab the first CD that falls into my hand and pop it into the player. My fingers grip the wheel as I try to focus on the road. I try to erase her look, her disappointment, and the blatant pain I caused her by rejecting her so brutally. I let my frustration speak, and though it hurts to admit it, I know I did the right thing. She and I were doomed from the beginning.

***

As soon as I walk through the living room door, Peter calls out to me, "So you finally decided to ditch us and go back to Seattle earlier than planned?" he teases.

"Yeah, I'm sick of being at home. My mom gets on my nerves," I explain as I sit down on the sofa between Scott and Alan.

Scott laughs and hands me a beer before saying, "I hear you. If I go home to my parents, I won't last two days."

"Yeah, I'm just bored since I got off work," I add, but more importantly, I refrain from telling them about my weakness for Adeline. It's the best-kept secret in the United States, and even though I've almost spilled the beans more than once, I've managed to keep my mouth shut. Part of me felt that if it remained a secret, then it wasn't really real. But it's been three years since it started, and since I've been back, my feelings are far from an illusion. I really have to get out of here.

"When are you planning to leave?" Alan asks me.

"Tomorrow or the next day. I haven't started packing yet."

"Wow, you're not wasting any time," Peter remarks.

If you only knew what I'm trying to get away from...

"Tonight I want to play a game of pool at the Echo. Are you interested?" Peter asks.

I almost choke on my beer. The Echo on a Saturday night? Bad business. I'm sure I'll run into Adeline and the last thing I need is to see her.

"Nah, I'm good, man. I just want to chill here," I say a little gruffly.

"What are you talking about? You're leaving tomorrow. Let us at least give you a proper farewell party," the platinum blonde continues.

"Alan's right. And afterwards we can go to the club. I heard there's a special event at Jerry's tonight," Peter suggests.

"I'm down," Scott agrees as he stands up. "And to show my loyalty, we'll take my car. There's no way my buddy's going without getting drunk."

They all laugh and stand up, finishing their beers before dragging me to the door. Resigned, I get into Scott's car and let them lead me, silently praying not to regret it.

***