Despicable Desires

Episode 46

Jayden

"Do you need help?" I ask, holding my bag in one hand and grabbing Adeline 's suitcase in the trunk of the taxi with the other. We had landed in San Francisco a little over an hour ago. Our parents had arranged for us to be picked up at the airport. The driver was waiting for us with a sign with our last names on it, and we followed him. Cameron seemed excited to be back, but I was a little less so. The reason was simple, and she was standing right next to me, watching as Henri came out of the house to join us.

"It's so good to see you again!" he exclaims. He hugs his daughter first, whose blissful smile makes my chest tingle. I can barely resist the urge to touch her, to fix the strand of hair that's escaping from her ponytail, or just to wrap my arms around her and hold her.

But this isn't the moment. We discussed this during the two-hour drive from Seattle. We had to broach the subject because our parents' surprise invitation had taken us by surprise. We were sure we could get out of the week-long family vacation for Thanksgiving and just come back for Christmas. Only we should have known that things never work out the way we imagine. Life is full of surprises. And here they all are, waiting for us on the front porch of the house.

"You got here fast," my mother exclaims as she comes to greet us. I don't have time to hug her before a ball of energy jumps into my arms.

"I missed you so much!" she cries.

"Thanks for your sister," Adeline mumbles.

I apologize with a look and she smiles at me before turning away just as quickly. The plan is simple: we have to pretend that nothing has changed since last summer. Even though my mother seemed understanding on the phone, I promised her that nothing would happen with Adeline. Telling her that I am finally with her is a step I have to take, especially if I have to tell Henri as well. Adeline wants to take their temperature this week, to know if they are ready to accept the news. Especially her father. The idea is to tell them at Christmas. That gives us a month to prepare our arguments.

I sigh as we follow everyone into the house, annoyed just knowing the ordeal that awaits us over the next few days. I've spent my time pretending, and even though it's nothing compared to the years I was silent, I feel like this time is different. Because Adeline and I have officially been together for a week, and we are no longer hiding it in Seattle.

"I made you some orange juice," Henri suggests as we enter the kitchen. "Would you like a glass?"

"I'll take coffee, thank you." He brings out several glasses and a cup and hands it to me with a smile.

"Make yourself at home, son!" I swallow hard at the sound of him calling me that and try to sneak a discreet glance at Adeline. I don't know why I have this stupid reflex, but instead of meeting my friend's gaze, it's my mother's that dives into mine. I immediately turn my face away, trying to act natural and promising myself to keep some distance.

Five days, Jayden, it's not that hard.

***

Holidays are going to be a nightmare.

This morning, after talking at the kitchen table, we went for a walk around town. Surprisingly, my mother had some free time, and she insisted that we all do an activity together to bond. She admitted to us that she has been working much less since she gave up on the idea of going to Europe to start a new publishing agency. I'm happy for her.

But right now I wish she would stop watching me.

I can feel her watching us, judging our reactions, our behavior towards each other. Pretending not to notice is more complicated than I could have imagined, and it requires concentration at every moment. It's impossible to control my gaze as it wanders towards my girlfriend every time she opens her mouth, walks past me, or when we're near each other. And my mother has clearly noticed.

"I thought there was nothing going on between you two?"

My mother bursts into the kitchen and places the lasagna dish next to the stack of plates I've just brought in. She examines me as I try to maintain some semblance of control over the panic coursing through my veins.

We haven't even made it through one day.

"I don't understand, you told me on the phone it was all over," she says. She falls silent and looks over her shoulder to make sure we are really alone in the kitchen. I lean against the counter, resigned and disappointed that we were so easily exposed.

"I know," I whisper. "When I had you on the phone, nothing was really going on."

She furrows her brow and crosses her arms over her chest. She doesn't seem angry, just aware of the situation and her options. Let me handle this or tell Henri everything.

"You know I want nothing but your happiness, and Adeline's too. Even if you find it in each other. I'm willing to support you, but that doesn't change what I said. I can't lie to Henri."

I sigh, hardly surprised by what she's saying and what I have to do.

"Give me a few days, please. Just enough time to talk it over with Adeline, to anticipate."

"Jayden," she interrupts me. "How are you going to keep this from him under his roof? You can't be apart for more than ten minutes. It's obvious, and believe me, he's not stupid."

"Please," I beg her.

"I'll give you two days, dear. After that, I'll tell him myself." As if her remark signaled the end, Henri enters the kitchen at the same time as my brother. They were talking and didn't immediately notice the atmosphere in the room. It was palpable.

"Is something wrong?" my stepfather finally asked. I look at my mother, trying to see if she's going to keep her promise.

"You look pale, darling," he says, approaching her.

She's watching me and I can tell she's struggling. I run my hand through my hair, realizing at that moment that it is not right to force her to lie to her partner. I don't have the right to do that to her. So I make the most sensible decision of the last few years, one that cannot be undone.

This secret has gone on long enough.