Adeline
Sitting cross-legged in the middle of my room, methodically immersing myself in the task of sorting through my high school notebooks, I face an assortment of loose pages and automatically divide my notes into two piles: the trash and the "still usable. It's probably a little risky to get rid of everything that was useful to me during my college years, but I feel the need to close this chapter. I have the urge to go to Seattle, and subconsciously sorting through my notes almost makes it seem like I'm actually going.
The weather has been so terrible since yesterday that I cannot do anything else. I think it is a sign, as if the weather is just a reflection of my mood: gloomy and rainy. Since Jayden left for New York with his friends, I have clearly not been feeling my best. I've gotten used to living without him, and yet it feels like something is missing in the house.
If someone had told me a few weeks ago that I would miss his presence...
I am bored, and nothing keeps me occupied long enough to avoid thinking about this unpleasant feeling of emptiness that surrounds me. Cameron has tried to come up with a thousand and one activities for us to do together, but I have always had an excuse to avoid them and justify my irritation.
After dumping the overflowing garbage bag in the garage, I run into Cameron in the kitchen, wearing gym clothes and his face red with sweat.
"Can you spare five minutes?" he asks, panting.
"Depends on what for."
"It's about picking up your sister from dance class. I told your father I'd take care of it, but I didn't realize how quickly the time had passed," he admits, taking a big gulp of water. "Can you go in my place?"
Me, say no when it comes to my sister? Never. I just nod and make my way to the front door.
"I'll take your car," I say as I rummage through the key jar.
"No, I gave it to my mom this morning. Take Jay's, he left it outside the garage."
I hesitate for a few seconds before I do as he says. After waving goodbye, I leave the house and sit in the driver's seat of the jeep. A faint musky smell wafts into my nostrils and I find myself looking around the interior. I open the glove compartment and find a stack of CDs: Dr. Dre, Lil Wayne, Tupac, Eminem, and other artists I am unfamiliar with. I browse through them, open the cases and decide on Nas' It Was Written album. The first notes resonate in the car and a pleasant feeling spreads through my chest. I almost feel like I'm sharing his intimacy. It's stupid, but I like the idea of being in something that belongs to him, listening to what he likes.
Stupid and completely inappropriate, my heart has to get used to the idea...
"How was class?" I ask my sister as she gets into the passenger seat a few minutes later.
"Good, although we all made a few mistakes," she grimaces slightly.
"That's normal. It's the big day, you all get stressed and your bodies show it."
"Probably," she nods.
Her arm rests on the windowsill, her head in her hand, watching the landscape pass by as the first notes of The Message fill the silence.
"It's weird that you're picking me up," she says.
I bite my lip in a nervous tic, aware of the direction the conversation is taking.
"I'm sorry I haven't been around much," I apologize, a little embarrassed. "With the end of school, college applications, work... I feel like I have no time for anything."
Or, to be more precise, I have no time for anything but complaining about my situation and thinking about Jayden.
"I know," she replies quietly. "It's just that ever since Dad got together with Mia, it seems like you've been drifting away from me."
I try to catch a glimpse of her, and the sadness I read on her face breaks my heart. I gently put my hand on hers and squeeze it.
"No, sweetheart. I'll never leave you. I promise I'll take better care of you, okay?"
She gives a small nod and smile before looking around.
"Why are you even driving this car?" she asks.
"It was the only one available," I answer with a shrug.
"And Jayden is okay with you driving it?"
"He's in New York. How would he know?"
And what does it matter if he does? It's a car, it was parked in the garage driveway, and the keys were available to anyone. He must suspect that someone will use it while he's gone, even if that someone is me.
"If he finds out, you're dead," she teases.
"He'll never know. There are only three witnesses."
My sister lets out a high-pitched laugh before turning down the music so we can have a more measured conversation.
"Why do you hate him?" she asks earnestly.
Surprised by her question, I remain silent, unable to come up with a coherent answer. Is it because he has always left me out? Because he might be charming with you, but he's a real jerk with me?
Because... these days it's hard for me to find faults with him, and that's what scares me the most?
Because I feel more and more attracted to him and I don't know how to handle it?
"It's complicated," I answer with a tired sigh, taking a few seconds to think before answering.
"I don't really hate him, it's just that his coming home has been hard to deal with."
And that's a mild euphemism for what's going on in my head.
"I hope things will get better between you two and that you'll learn to appreciate each other," she says in a low voice.
I don't answer, turning up the volume on the car radio before putting my hands back on the wheel. To say that things haven't improved would be a lie, because lately we've been able to be in the same room, talk and even laugh together without starting World War III. He ignores me less, and that's all the more dangerous because of how I react to our interactions. I like them. A lot. Too much.
As my mind wanders through my memories, I let out a long sigh. I think it's pretty clear... And it's really a mess.
YOU ARE READING
Despicable Desires
Romantizm"He is her despicable half-brother. And he drives her mad... For years, he has returned to the family home only on rare occasions, and that suits Ambre just fine. The less she sees of her obnoxious half-brother, the better off she is! So when she le...
