Crimson & Clover

Sunrise

I watched as the sun rose over the icy water as I thought about Betty and the long drive I had ahead of me. It couldn't possibly be any worse than the drive to get here. I'll stop off somewhere and buy her some flowers and pick something up for Billy. I absolutely have to bring Betty here, I thought. She would love this.

A young couple, dressed in nothing but bathrobes wandered outside to take in the spectacular sunrise. They are absolutely crazy, it's freezing cold, I thought as I watched smoke blow out from their mouths as they breathed. They didn't seem to care as they held each other hand in hand, although I didn't feel cold at all. A few minutes passed and then they went back inside.

I looked up, admiring the gracefulness of the few clouds that floated in the morning sky. Everything about this place was calm and peaceful in stark juxtaposition to last night's party. For the first time in weeks my thoughts were absolutely clear. I knew with certainty that regardless of how this party turned out I should have never come here.

Betty and Billy were far too important and they deserved better. My mind started feverishly recalling with exact detail, every bad deed I had done recently from kissing Julie at the Starlight Club to mistreating Ma over the phone. With Ma I should have at least been more sympathetic and had I actually gone by to see her like she asked then I wouldn't have been here and that would have been a good thing. I now understood that there was a master plan to the universe and everything has a reason.

I saw the error in my thinking that if God had not wanted me to here with Lulu he wouldn't have placed me in this position in the first place.

What I realized with incredible clarity is that some things in life are a test to see if you deserve what you have before you receive more. Based on my actions last night and those of the past while, I realized that I didn't deserve anything that I had, not Betty and Billy, not Tom and not even Ma. I had mistreated them all. The mountain air was clearing my mind in a way that I had never experience before.

As I stood on the patio lost in the torment of my thoughts Lulu came out,. She took a deep breath of fresh air then hung her head over the railing, sadly. I went closer to her and was overtaken by an aura of melancholy.

No longer was I in awe of this woman. No longer was I picturing what a night with her would be like. I simply felt sad for her, and then she began to cry. Tears rolled down her cheek then fell over the railing only to disappear in the water below. For a moment she turned around and saw me. She stared straight through me as she inhaled a deep breath of air and calmed herself. She turned back to vast lake and started to sing;

Where have all the people gone, my honey?
Where have all the people gone today?
There's no need for you to worry about all those people,
You've never seen those people anyway.
Walk me out in the morning dew, my honey.
Walk me out in the morning dew today.
I'll walk you out in morning dew my honey,
I guess it doesn't matter anyway,
I guess it doesn't matter anyway.

What a sad song, I thought to myself as she sang those sorrowful words. I didn't even feel lucky to be witnessing this rendition all alone as if she was giving me a private concert. I liked it so much better when she sang Shout yesterday at the gala. At least then she was happy. As if by magic, as if she could read my mind, she began to sing Shout but this was no ordinary rendition. She sang it softly and slowly while she closed her eyes, and when she was finished, she turned to me.

"That was beautiful," I said to her. "I have never heard anyone sing any song better than that." She smiled, ever so slightly and then continued to cry.

"Please don't cry," I told her, "nothing could possibly be that bad." She didn't respond as she stared deep into the lake.

"If you'd like to talk about it, I'm here to listen," I said. Still she didn't reply.