If I May Be So Bold (A Harry Potter Universe Fanfiction)

An Abbreviated History of Ella and Elise Pt. 1

July 2019

If James had thought Elise cried a lot while pregnant, he'd been severely underestimating postpartum Elise. It wasn't the same kind of crying. It didn't make him quite as worried about her. But it was still alarming when something small and relatively expected would happen, like Ella would spit up after eating and Elise would just lose it, because probably that meant she wasn't getting enough to eat since it all came back out.

Other times, she'd be trying to put Ella down for a nap and she wouldn't stop crying and Elise would get so frustrated that she would start crying, too and then James would have to take Ella so Elise could try and calm herself down, but he'd have to be careful not to try too hard to get her to sleep or he'd be successful and Elise would think he was just better at taking care of babies than she was and then it would be a long, long time before she stopped crying.

Or sometimes, nothing would happen at all. She'd be lying in bed, Ella fast asleep in the bassinet next to them, and suddenly she'd just start crying, because what if she went to sleep and Ella stopped breathing and they didn't even know it until the next morning?

Elise adored Ella. It was obvious. The way she looked at her when she lifted her up first thing in the morning and the way she gazed down at her the whole time she fed her, like nothing in the world could possibly be more interesting... no one could have looked at Elise and said she was a bad mother except for Elise herself.

She just didn't trust herself, and as much as she loved her baby, it was also very clear that Ella terrified her.

The first week or so of Ella's life, it had really felt like the Elise James had known before was back, but the more time that went by, the more Elise started to get in her own way.

Her mum came over one evening when Ella was almost two months old and she'd offered to do bath and bedtime so they could spend a little time together, just the two of them. They went for a walk on the beach. Elise didn't say a word for such a long time. James tried to ask her a question several times, but she didn't even seem to hear him.

Then out of the blue, she stopped walking and said, "I think I need to go back to work."

"This soon?" James asked.

"Maybe not full time yet. Maybe just mornings or something. I just... I really miss it. I feel really strange, not being there. I feel like I'm getting lost again."

James was quiet while he considered how to respond to this.

"I feel like if I go back a little, then when I'm here I could enjoy her more. I think I need to be able to leave and come back sometimes. I need to be me a little bit and her mum a little bit."

"What if you just go back for a day?" James suggested. "Or once a week or something. Just see how it goes."

Elise looked out at the horizon line. "Is it bad if I do that?"

"No," James shook his head. "Not if it's what you need."

He wrapped his arms around her waist and she leaned back into him.

"D'you ever feel like that? Like you just need a break to be just yourself and not a dad?"

James had not actually felt like that. He'd been really enjoying his time at home, just the three of them, settling in as a new family. He was exhausted and sometimes overwhelmed, but it had been such an exciting few months it hadn't really mattered. He wasn't particularly thrilled about going back to work in a few weeks. He would miss them.

"Sometimes," he said anyway.

Elise inhaled through her nose. He felt the breath in her back.

"I think I'm going to go in on Friday," she said. "If you're okay on your own with her."