The Empty Ones (Fantasy Romance)

26. Environment

I wholeheartedly thought that my time in the priority made me smart and less naive. Maybe it did to some extent but obviously not enough.

I misunderstood the situation greatly and to gruesome extents.

It was a long, sleepless night. The rais of the star of daylight are slowly creeping into the room.

After a whole star circle of contemplating my life I had to do it once again and change drastically all the elements of the equation.

The secret of having a good life is to balance all the variables. The difficulty is that it's a lot of them. The Emperor is not as kind as I thought. My expectations were not in touch with reality.

Marrying me wasn't charity or out of the goodness of his heart; it was because he wants a child with my father's powers.

Well... I would say the odds are not in his or my favor. If I manage to actually have that child I would also have power of some sort. A child with that power would likely succeed if not overrule Prince Dair in the line of succession; or if not, be appointed the next Alsayid if he claims my heritage.

A child with no power at all, like me, would be a pariah just like I used to be, as I likely still am.

I cried after he left and I hated myself for crying. I hate myself for being so weak. Others have it much worse. Salma's child was killed by her husband and she was forced to have another one right away. And Chioma... If she is still alive... Last night was not... Pleasant, but it wasn't probably nearly as bad as her experience.

I am going to survive and I am going to help them and others. But first I have to wash the blood off before Hara comes.

A part of me doesn't want to do that. I guess that part wants some sympathy but I am not sure if that will be what I will encounter and I am certainly going to be hurt if it isn't.

An astray ray shines on me. It creeps slowly up my body till it reaches my hands. The burn scar shows some ugly shadows.

You are not supposed to die, like weed. I hear Mairi's voice and think about what she would do. She was crazy brave and she never gave up. She would certainly have other blood besides her own, on her right now. It makes me miss her and feel like a coward.

For her and all the others that I owe help, I drag myself to the bath chamber and let cold water flow over me.

There are blue marks on my neck and right hip. I notice them only when washing. It did hurt, I recall now, and I am now certain I don't want anybody to see. Showing weakness before people you do not trust is one of the worst mistakes you can make. This one lesson was imprinted well enough in my brain in the priory.

I look around the room. In daylight it's even more beautiful; the clothing alcove is full of garments, the walls full of paintings, a gilded... Cage? I catch myself thinking. Why?

In the priory the walls were blank and I had three tunics that had to be kept clean all the time. They were worn out and rough spun, while these dresses are pure silk and other expensive fabrics. The food at the banquet was really good too; too bad I vomited all of it last night after he left.

He holds all the power so if I want to change anything in this world, I have to win him over. He might not care about me but he cares about the realm. That is likely why he is doing all this, for the realm and his people. But in the name of all the gods, he could have been a bit kinder. I would have complied anyway. What other choice did I have? It wasn't necessary to brand my neck with bruises.

It's also bad to display them so I search for a high-collared dress and put it on. It covers my neck; the bruises and the stone. If I was in doubt the night before, now I am certain I don't want to tell anybody who I am, where I grew up, and what kind of magic I possess... or don't.