The Empty Ones (Fantasy Romance)

41. Bodily integrity

Aleh bin Hadar, third of his name, of the house of Kadeth, royal Emperor of Quomared, holds my life in his hands.

I have somehow forgotten that, but he made it his mission of reminding me. He decided, that cursed day, a week ago to make it his mission to shape me to how he wants me to be: submissive, meek, maybe loyal. But loyalty needs to be inspired by something. Something else that isn't fear.

Laini said that being locked inside your body is a horrible feeling. I can only confirm. I thought that being locked in a small room in a dungeon was horrible but a hole with a bottom is a good perspective compared to bottomless hole.

I couldn't move for three days because he forbad me to. That meant I was struck in one position, joints aching, not able to talk, soiling myself and crying because I couldn't do anything about any of these.

The first day I was alone, only in the evening did he allow the handmaids and lady Nefri to enter my rooms.

I was praying for death. I was praying it be quick but it looked like the intention was the whole opposite.

They gave me water and Salma came in the night, after they all left, to give me some soup. It was nice of her and very dangerous.

She asked me not to die because she didn't want to go back to her husband. She also told me to not be afraid because he couldn't kill her; her husband would mind and he likes her husband's money.

I prayed she was right. At that point I was wondering if my whole life was going to be like that. If so, I would just refuse eating and drinking. So far, I don't know how long the human body can resist with food or water but I was determined to find out.

Hara was coming in the evenings too, mostly to clean the dirty bed sheets because no noble handmaid would do that.

She cried every time. And to my surprise, she uttered words like 'curse him. What is he doing to my girl?!'. A servant should never talk like that about the Emperor because that would mean death, but I couldn't speak to tell her that.

By the third day I had decided to take my life into my own hands and stoped eating and drinking. At first, lady Nefri didn't seem to mind a lot. Maybe that was the plan all along, for me to die, so he could marry a new girl.

Salma begged me to stop doing that. I didn't listen; I guess it upset her, but life didn't seem bearable to me at that point.

Hara begged me too, and I cried. The tears dropped down my face and I couldn't stop them.

The next day, the fourth, lady Nefri came to my room and asked the handmaids to force me to drink. Salma stated she wouldn't do it. She didn't particularly like lady Nefri, so maybe he did that just to spite her, or she finally understood how awful the situation was and acknowledged death as a better option.

I continued to refuse. Sometimes they managed to force me, but since my jaw was clenched almost shut, it was difficult.

On the evening of the fifth day I was already very weak, almost delirious. I was positive it wouldn't last much longer. Maybe I would meet Mairi and Paisa in the afterlife... I was thinking, hoping.

When the door clicked I was sure it would be lady Nefri again throwing horrible words at me for not obeying but it was him.

"They told me you are starving yourself," he said.

He sat down on the bed by my side. Gods, it really wasn't him who I wanted to see in my last hours.

He started caressing my hair.

"I don't want you to die," he said. "I only wanted you to behave."

The stiffness in my face lifted and I could move my jaw, lips and tongue.