The Empty Ones (Fantasy Romance)

33. The stoney steps of Windheaven

Last night, when the Emperor came to see me, I was, as usual, nervous but also slightly distracted.

It was quick and again rather painful, but I caught my mind wandering, trying to escape the moment, looking out the windows and thinking of other things. Not things, but rather persons. Prince Dair was still on my mind; how he behaved, what he said.

He seems so calm and incapable of inflicting any harm, but I am not, by definition, the best judge of character.

And there were the things he said that made my mind wander further to the five national heroes with face covers-the five people who could and would inflict a lot of pain, maybe not on me but on other people.

And one of them was seeing Paisa at night. Maybe it wasn't one of them, maybe I hallucinated the five arrows. Maybe it was a soldier of the Dark Esquadron. It was dark, and I am sometimes really stupid.

The Five Elites... They make me very curious and a bit uneasy.

"No! That cannot be! How could she?!" Dara's voice is loud and protrudes through the door.

"She is envious for sure. And she is strange! To go against etiquette like this? Doesn't she know your parents are rich? And have you seen how she acts, how she speaks? Where did she even come from if she wasn't at court till this age? Besides, she isn't as beautiful as Lady Laini nor as wise as Lady Paisa. She is just strange. Did they give you an explanation as of why?"

I swallow something, maybe pride.

"No." Bea's voice is stained with tears. "Lady Nefri just said that the Emperor is not pleased with how I attend her. But... Nam told me this position is guaranteed. What did I do wrong? I hate her! She just told the Emperor bad things about me to hurt me."

The pang of guilt is strong. She really didn't do anything wrong per se, just acted a bit stand-offish, but so did the other, and if I were to dismiss someone of my choice from my service, that would be Lady Nefri.

Anyway, this is for Salma, who suffered way more because of me.

The days that follow, Bea doesn't say anything. She doesn't go away, and everything seems as usual, the only difference is that she is a bit meaner, always criticising me. It's ok, I hurt her and I deserve a bit of disdain. But it's not clear what happened.

That night, when I asked the Emperor if I could have a handmaid of my choice, he just plainly asked who. Paisa didn't lie; he knew already, by the way he acted. Hearing Sahib Yatir mentioned piqued his interest, and he gave me a curt nod. My interpretation of the gesture was agreement. Maybe it wasn't.

Because two moons pass and nothing changes. There is no answer from Sahib Yatir, no word from Salma. Bea is still in my service, and the days go by.

Nothing memorable happens at court. I spend most of my time with Paisa when she is willing, otherwise alone. Sometimes she brings a book for me. If I tell Lady Nefri that it's a present from Mahrani Paisa, she lets me keep it. But all this routine brings back a bit of the dread of being caged in the dark; it's different, but your mind slips into numbness in a similar way.

Life in the priory wasn't better when it came to comfort. Here I have all the food I want without having to cook. I never clean; Hara started screaming at me when I asked her if I could help. But here I am isolated, while in the priory I was a part of the whole. I liked it better because I had with me people who made me happy and made me feel like I belonged. Here they try actively to show me I do not.

It's a quiet day, a quiet life in a way, at least for now. I am seated in my isolated corner of the gardens, reading my book about herbs.

Paisa's pregnancy is progressing well. Imelda was always sick when pregnant, but Paisa is happy and healthy. She said she is going to name the child Lahab after the manab god of Wind, one of the patrons of our husband.