You Were Worth it

Chapter 9

"At first, I was devastated. I still am. Now, I'm angry. I was crying on the floor, and he just left me. He walked out on the life we built together and left me. I needed him," Kaminari explained to his therapist. Just thinking about it again had him clenching his fists against his shorts. He was mad beyond belief, but mostly, he felt betrayed.

"He said he wouldn't be able to get better while being around you, correct?" Tiera asked with a frown.

"Yes, and I understand that. However, I think he owed it to me to at least try."

"He saw you hurting. I'm not saying his actions were right, but he was scared. Terrified you would end up hurting yourself because of him. He did what he thought was best for both of you." Kaminari knew that, but it didn't make it hurt any less. He was crying on the floor, practically begging him to stay.

"Where do you think you would be if he stayed?" Tiera asked. She crossed her legs and set her hands on her knee while waiting for her patient's response.

Kaminari took a deep breath. "I think I would be in bed, complaining about being sore while he planned our next outing," he admitted. "I get that we needed a break to work on ourselves and figure out our issues, but I'm still struggling to figure out what to do without him. It feels like he took half of my heart, and I don't know if I'll ever get it back." Shinso has been the only thing on his mind since he walked out the door.

"Have you two talked since he left?" she asked.

Kaminari shook his head. "No," he frowned. "I've typed about a hundred texts but haven't sent them. I want him to come back, but I also want him to get better."

"What do you want more?"

Kaminari closed his eyes and relaxed in his seat while pondering her question. If Shinso came back and nothing changed, then nothing would change with Kaminari either. It would be a never-ending cycle of feeling used and unloved, resulting in him continuing to hurt himself. He would rather have Shinso get better, work through his past issues, and be with someone he loves and appreciates than return to himself. He didn't want to keep feeding Shinso's addiction or toxic behavior.

"I want him to get better. I just wish he could have done it with me."

Tiera frowned. "Sometimes, people need to remove themselves from the situation and step back to see what they need to change." Kaminari nodded. He knew at least a part of her was right. She was a licensed therapist. She knew what she was talking about.

"Now," she said while gesturing toward the blond. "How are you doing with your struggles?" she asked.

For the first time since Shinso left, Kaminari smiled. He pulled his sleeve up to show the scribbles on his arm with a washable marker. If he didn't have ice near him, he slipped a marker from his pocket and started drawing on his arms. It didn't necessarily relieve his burning sensation, but it helped distract him.

"I'm doing better," he said. "I'm not where I want to be, but I'm working on it."

She smiled softly. "And that's wonderful. Have you given any more thought to where you might apply to? You said you wanted to start looking for work soon."

"I have an interview Thursday for a restaurant my friend works at. He said the boss is chill, and it's good money. My friends keep telling me that there's nothing wrong with me taking more time off. It feels like they don't have faith in me," he sighed.

"Do you think it's that they don't have faith in you, or they're concerned for you?" Kaminari hasn't been able to make his own decisions in years. His friends are worried that he'll bite off more than he can chew with his newfound freedom.