You Were Worth it

Chapter 10

"It's not that bad," Shinso sighed while staring at the ceiling fan, watching it go in a circle. "I don't want to watch porn anymore. I haven't thought about it or much else related to sex."

"So the medicine has been helping?" Cal asked.

"I don't want to die, and I'm not constantly thinking about sex or naked people, so yeah, I guess it's working," he shrugged. He'd been feeling utterly different since he started his new medication. He couldn't pinpoint what the feelings were, though. He wasn't necessarily happy, but he wasn't depressed. He didn't want to cry, but he wasn't sure he wanted to smile. He almost felt numb in a way.

Until he thought of Kaminari.

Then his heart broke in his chest, and he felt like he could throw up. When he remembered all the things he did to the only person he's ever truly loved, he didn't want to take another breath.

"How are you sleeping?" Cal asked.

"I'm supposed to be sleeping?" Shinso questioned. He could fall asleep sometimes while watching television, but he rarely stayed asleep. Every time he rolled over, he tried to throw his arm around Kaminari. When he felt nothing but the other half of a cold bed, he was usually up for the rest of the night, drowning in his thoughts.

Cal sighed. "What are you usually thinking about when you can't sleep?"

Shinso shrugged. "How much I fucked up and hate myself for putting Kaminari through what I did," he said. He'd been trying to think about anything besides his ex, but it was hard. He broke his own heart when he walked out that door and left the love of his life crying on the floor. "I know he'll forgive me and give me a second chance if I change. But," his voice died off, unsure how to finish what he was trying to say.

"You don't know how to forgive yourself?" Cal suggested.

Shinso nodded. "I don't think I could ever be right for him if I can't forgive myself or trust myself around him."

Cal turned to the far wall of his office, lined with filing cabinets. He found the one marked 'R' before sliding it open and pulling out a small packet for his client.

"What's this?" Shinso asked while grabbing the packet from Cal's hands

"The four R's of Self-Forgiveness," he responded. "Responsibility, Remorse, Restoration, and Renewal."

"Sounds like a bunch of bull-shit to me," Shinso sighed while opening to the first page. "But I did promise to go at everything with an open mind." 

Cal showed him a soft smile. "Responsibility. It's the first part of self-forgiveness. It's also the hardest step. You being here is you taking responsibility and showing remorse for your actions is already halfway through the four R's. Something else I want to mention is to treat yourself with compassion. How would you treat a friend in your position? You need to treat yourself the same way that you treat the people in your life that you love and care about."

Shinso nodded while flipping to the next page. "Restoration. Does that mean apologizing and restoring what I lost?" he asked.

Cal nodded. "You've already apologized to Kaminari. Now, you need to apologize to yourself."

Shinso scoffed. "For what? There isn't a damn thing I need to apologize to myself for."

"I think there is," Cal frowned. "I just don't think we're there yet. The last R is renewal."

"Get better and move on?" Shinso questioned while setting the papers on the small table next to him.

"Learn from your mistakes and apply the lessons you learned in your life as you move forward. You can't move on from what happened and get better until you forgive yourself. We also need to get to the deeper root of your childhood trauma."