You Were Worth it

Chapter 12

"I have forgiven myself. I know I had a chemical imbalance, and my dad messed me up. I know that. I took your advice about self-forgiveness and did everything I was supposed to do." Well, he did almost everything. He wrote a long letter to Kaminari but never mailed it to him. Apologizing to him and going in depth is something he wants to do in the future one day, but not over a letter. He wants to do it in person.

"So what's holding you back?" Cal asked.

Shinso shrugged. "I don't want Denki to forgive me yet. I want him to know what he wants in life and have a plan before he forgives me. I don't want to run back into his life without him knowing where he's going. He has a problem with dropping everything for me, and I don't want him to do that."

"Have you talked to him since you walked out?" Cal asked. "If you guys want to get back together in the future, it might be a good idea for you guys to get coffee or something. Maybe see how he's coming along and talk to him about how you're doing."

Shinso tensed in his seat. It's only been three months. Was he ready for that? Was Kaminari ready for that?

"How will I know if I'm ready to reach out? If he's not ready, he'll tell me. But I don't know if I am," Shinso admitted.

Cal pursed his lips. "I can't tell you whether or not you're ready. That's something you'll figure out your own way in your own time. If you're not sure you're ready, I would wait until you are."

"I want to see him. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to walk away after seeing him," Shinso clicked his tongue in annoyance. "I feel like a fucking idiot."

"You're not an idiot, Shinso. Just a young man-"

"With trauma that he needs to overcome and work around," Shinso finished. "I know."

"So, how are you feeling about reaching out to Kaminari? Do you think you could talk to him over the phone? You won't be in close proximity and won't feel obligated to stay," Cal suggested.

"I'll think about it over this week," he replied.

"What are your plans for the rest of the week? Hopefully, they involve getting out of the house and connecting with your friends." Cal had been trying to convince him to get ahold of his friends for weeks since Shinso pushed them away.

"It's hard when Denki and I share the same friends. They say they know I did what I did because of my addiction and whatnot, but they still look at me like I'm a monster. I also find myself wanting to ask them about Denki, which isn't helping any. I want to know how he's doing, but it only makes me miss him more." Shinso thought he would be feeling better about letting Kaminari go by now. Instead, it feels like he's pouring salt into a fresh wound. Three months did absolutely nothing.

"You don't have any other friends that aren't in that friend group?" Cal asked.

Shinso nervously picked at the skin around his fingers. Other than them, he only had the friends that fucked his boyfriend into oblivion. When he told them that he and Kaminari had ended things, they stopped reaching out as much. They still text but wouldn't make any plans and make no effort to see Shinso anymore. He only had one friend that he could reach out to. Even then, it was a long shot.

"I have an old friend that I might be able to get ahold of. We haven't talked in a while, but we were pretty good friends before I got with Denki."

"Did you drift apart because you started your relationship with Denki?" Cal asked.

"No," Shinso shook his head. "We drifted when I moved away from my dad's and started couch surfing. I was doing many questionable things at that time, and he didn't want to get mixed up in the wrong crowd."