Still don't know my name

Chapter 10

ZEEL

Hands down the best thanksgiving vacation, apart from the visit to my family. Antonio is amazing dad and the most fantastic human, he did karaoke with me, I had been elated the whole trip back Lina's place. We came back on 27th back home, so tired with the train ride. Lina slept through the whole ride on my shoulder, and I held her hands so tightly, I thought it will break with my fucking grip.

I just want to Cat close to my heart all the time, but I don't want to suffocate her, so I left her hands, and I looked outside the windows, the scenery is mind boggling. The hills and the snow-covered area as a beautiful white coloured quilt covering the earth surface to protect it from world's wrongs. Gosh, I am feeling all jubilant, I want to write I want to write a fucking song including the nature and my beautiful girl sleeping on my shoulders. I opened my notes app and expressed few jumbly words as they flowed out through me as a fucking tap.

The thing is not perfect, but it is honest and beautiful, I need to brush it up, compose a bit, and show it to the one and only whom I had written for damn sake.

We simply went to Lina's place, because I am in no mood to go to an empty apartment. Bran is still at her parent's place. Lina's room is a perfect combo of music and fashion. Half covered with musical merch and other merchandises and other half with different fashion products, I was never a fashion girl, but I like when Cat dress up for dates and all, she is perfect either way.

We reached her home, all exhausted and tired, I crashed onto her couch and exhaled a deep breath. Lina went to the kitchen and started preparing coffee. She is simply perfect for fuck's sake. I gathered all my strength and stood up and reached onto the kitchen and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, pining her back to my chest and kissed her neck sternly. A smooth moan escaped her sweet mouth, and my mind is gone completely crazy. I stopped the coffee machine, gathered her in my arms, legs tucked around my waist mouth on my mouth, cradling her to her bedroom, never breaking the kiss. I set her on her bed, her face all flushed and aroused. I took my phone out of my pocket and opened SPOTIFY and played OUR SONG on repeat, 'still don't know my name' started with slow beats and I lost my mind, I removed my shirt above my head and thrown on the side of the room and kissed her again, removing her shirt along the way. I kissed her neck, collarbone. We trailed and made love to each other. The most amazing night of my life.

The next morning, I had early class, so I quickly said goodbye to sleeping beauty and went home for a shower and my books. We met again during half time at the campus. She wore the dress I gifted her after our session in the music studio as a gratitude for always believing in me., it is black summer dress, but she paired in with thick slacks totally twinning with the dress and a thick coat. Fuck, she looks like a princess. I claimed her hands and kissed her. She blushed and we discussed about our day, and I suddenly blurted, "Let's pair up for the gig, we will sing." Her eyes are big with shock and excitement in them.

"Are you sure, baby??" she questioned.

"Of course, I am sure, we will have those two you have written and other by Taylor obviously and some other indie pop, or we can have some of 1D also." She beamed hearing 1D and showered me with kisses and hugged and poured encouragement in me.

"Let's go, we have so much to do already." She hopped off the bench and pulled me with her, we reached her home and started practicing, her roommate was studying so we went to my home in my soundproof room and blasted our lungs out and sang like the world is ending. Both the songs by Lina are yet not released on Spotify but after this gig I am so much planning to release it. It deserves the world.

I managed to get a gig at our college fresher's party. The memory of the last fresher party two years back, started rushing in and I started laughing. God, that was the best party ever, I received someone whom I cannot explain in simple words.

We practised whole heartedly. The day of the gig, 21st December came, my never-ending nerves started rising. Gosh it feels like the nerve on my head will pop open. My heartbeat is rising like a maniac, I am sweating in this chilling winter like a crazy lady. My palm is all clammy.

Cat and Jacque are setting up on the stage and our performance is next, we have prepared three songs, all for slow dancing just like when I saw Lina dancing with Jacque. My self-guilt is rising with bit of jealousy and déjà vu. I am having an anxiety attack. Gosh, I don't want to disappoint Cat. I try to gather all the courage and rise to my feet, but I am frozen to my place. Lina came in to call me up to the performance when she saw me frozen to my place, I can see horror in her eyes.

I don't want to bother Cat but with my flowing anxiety, I couldn't handle myself, managing Lina is so far away. She is rummaging through her phone and called someone, "Hello Dr, this is Lina." Pause. "Yes, I am wonderful, but I am in bit of a situation, my girlfriend is having a panic attack, what shall I do?" she called a doctor, oh my god she did not panic herself and did a sensible thing, I fell in love once again.

"Oh, okay, will do. Thank you so much Doc I will visit sometime soon, Goodbye." She stashed the phone in her pocket and bent in front of me and kissed me deeply, all the breath is taken away, my lungs are empty. What the hell is happening, one moment she is been responsible and now she is kissing me, I pulled back and snapped, "Cat, here I am having an anxiety attack and you are kissing me, I thought Doc said something, gosh baby. What's happening??" she chuckled weakly and said, "Doc said, during anxiety attack, breathing get stuck and you need to focus the patient on some matter to centre their breathing again. So, when I kissed you, you engrossed on the kiss, and you started breathing properly. Here drink some water." I took the bottle and chucked few gulps and focused on my breathing again.

I feel embarrassed now, OMG our show...... "Lina, our show, let's go." I started rising up, but she pushed my shoulder and glared me to sit down, I obeyed half-heartedly.

"We are not having any show, I will inform Jacque, he will cancel and apologise to the audience. Now shall we discuss what the hell happened to you sweet bean, my heart skipped few beats realizing you were having an anxiety attack, darling please tell me what happened." She miens so much tired within few minutes. I dropped to the floor and hugged her.

I hugged her full five minutes and wiped my nose covered with snort with my sweatshirt, "I don't know what happened, I was ready to sing again in front of people, but my brain stopped working, my nerves started ponding, it was like a big burst of anxiety flooding me. I am so sorry I ruined this. I think I am just not ready for it." I explained.

"You don't have to be sorry for anything sweet bean, I get it, I am sorry for pressuring you into this, I should have seen you were still not comfortable with singing in public yet. Zee but I have to inform you something and I want you to clearly listen before anything else, baby you are suffering with post traumatic anxiety, and I very much like you to visit Doctor Styles, she was my therapist the first year in my college and I frequently visit her whenever I feel down, I did call her earlier." She spoke softly.

I considered it for a moment, and I nodded, I want to heal, I want to sing, I want to be better for Cat for my parents and most importantly for myself. We reached home and slept snuggling.

My mind is not getting any sleep, it is roaming in thousand different directions, once the past incident, then the new relationship, me being overwhelmed and everything. It is a right decision to see a therapist and heal through a more positive channel. I finally slept with an intention to nurse myself from my own mind.