Still don't know my name

Chapter 14

ZEEL

PROUD? Would be an understatement what I am feeling for my girl. I am so fucking delighted with Cat's decision to open a bakery. It's been few weeks since Christmas. I had few of my therapy session and doc listens to me talking about the accident and how I might have finally concluded the death of my friend with singing. Which in my heart knows but my brains cannot quite figure it out yet. I try to be confident and luring to my therapist and she catches my bullshit the second I enter her office. In one of my sessions, she stated, "Zeel, I know you don't feel confident enough to share the incident and you feel guilty. But don't ever try to outsmart me in believing that you are, okay? You are not, until I say otherwise. I think you know the time and money utilized in the process. You remember your panic/anxiety attack few weeks back. That is not something you or anyone should ignore. Our body has some rights, it demands to be healthy. We just can't ignore the message our body is reeling us and go on with our life."

Agh, it's hard to just sit there bleed my heart by recounting the past. But I need to be healthy, for me, for Cat and for my parents. They look up to me, they want me to be happy. As much as I am trying to progress with my health, I am positively on cloud 9. My girl, will be opening a bakery in June. Near our college, she found a closed old shop, small but perfect for her. She has so many ideas as of how to decorate the place and call it as her own. She is mind blowing decorator, she has so many ideas lined up. Thousands of pins being scrolled and sorted. She is having a blast. She has multiple recipes she is baking and making me try. I am totally and abso fucking lutely okay to be her guine pig.

Fuck I failed to mention, she moved in with me and Bran the day after new year's. Duh, it took us, five rounds to bring her stuff but totally worth it. The smile she gave me after we settled after the tiring day. She look hella sheepish but so damn excited. I am smiling brightly. I am living with my girlfriend.

I wait for the anxiety to rush back in my head but NO, NOPE, NADA NOTHING in here.

Just all Gidding feeling towards my girl and how I want to hold her till we die. I haven't still shown the poem I have written for her, or more like a song I had written after we were returning from Minnesota. I had this itchy feeling, every time I get overwhelmed in her presence, I want to show her that poem, that poem is all the things I felt towards her. But as I am thinking, I want to gift that poem as an opening gift. Lina is so determined. She bargain like a haw damn, she gathered so many equipment's for her bakery and right now she is sitting curled up in our comforter, deep in thought, phone, notepad on her laps, sucking a pen, she looks a hot mess. Agh, I love her. "What you thinking, sweetie?" I asked. Little excited what her brains are producing right now.

"Just think what shall I name it?" she said and returns to her thoughts.

So, she is thinking what will be the name of the bakery. Agh, that's a pretty tedious and mind consuming job, just to think of an appropriate and meaning name. Then I remember, her dad called her Chucky Bear as an endearment and at that moment my heart swelled, like so damn fucking cute.

"Cat, babe. I think I have an idea. I think it is it. It will probably the best name for your bakery. It will be so you. So authentic." I finished.

Her eyes are dancing with anticipation, "What it is it, sweet bean, don't be a tease and get it out already." She looks impatient. I didn't tease her but her irked eyes are dancing with so much expectation, I thought for a second and blurted, "I saw your dad call you, CHUCKY BEAR, and to be fucking honest, it is the cutest moment of my life. Lina that 'be the name 'Chucky's' it'll be yours, something you value. Your dad's love and your childhood, honey it's perfect, as I think." I wait seemingly and wait for her antiphon. She is lost in her head and then she glanced in my heart, smiled a large smile and pulled me to her and kissed me hungrily. I pulled back and waited, what will she choose.

She shook her head playfully and commanded me to come forward, I am almost straddling her lap. "I think it's absolutely, wonderful name. Sweet bean, how the heck haven't I noticed, you know, my mom used to call me chucky bear." Hint of sadness in her eyes but she grazed back to me when I tipped her chin and forced her to look at me. "Then, after she passed, dad started using it just to make me warm that mom still exist. This will be the perfect memento. Thank you so much, I love you dang much."

I knew it meant something to her but seeing the emotion of pure pride in her eyes, I am ecstatic.

I cannot bake so I just help Cat whenever she bake, while eating, she have totally made thirty-four delish things. Everything is so fucking sweet. My mouth is in literal tittivate coma.

So, let's swing back to the time when Lina told me that song, she has written is about me. How she felt the connection at first sight. She has many more of those creations. She let me read one of her songs after my therapy sess. I cry every time I read those words. Lina is so fucking perfect.