British comedian oneshots

Mr. Corduroy(James Acaster x you)

"Fucks sake!" You exclaim, before throwing another dress you didn't want to wear on the floor. Your flatmate Rose has invited you to another one of Ed Gamble's 'house parties', which usually consists of Cards against Humanity and as much beer as possible. The only reason you decided to go to this one was because you knew Rose would end up sprawled out on Ed's sofa again, and you would practically have to drag her to your car to get her home. You contemplate not going, but remember Rose's cries of "Girls help girls out!" when she was begging you to come a week ago. Surely, it can't be that bad. You begin to sift through your wardrobe for the millionth time when Rose bursts in, excitement spread all over her face.

"Hey Y/n!" She smiles, before noticing the mountain of cloth pooling around your feet. You sigh at her in defeat. Quickly, she slips into her room, before returning to yours with a casual pair of short overalls, along with one of her turtlenecks. "My boots are in the hall, wear those. God, you're so lucky we're the same size of clothes, Y/n. What would you do without me?" She teased. "Anyways, hurry up! You're gonna be late for loverboy!" She giggled, and quickly ran out into the hallway. You searched your brain, wondering who the fuck she could be going on about.

Suddenly, it came to you.

"Shit, Rose!" You heard her laughing from the kitchen. It hit you like a truck. Ed's old friend James would be there. You hated the man. What a prick. Something about him really put you off. Maybe it was the way every time you saw him, his parting had moved to some other place, or disappeared completely. Or maybe it was the way his fingers wrapped around drink bottles like 5 horrible boa constrictors. It was probably because you fancied him a bit, though. Something about being a knobhead just seemed to appeal to you. Rose's shouts quickly snapped you out of your thoughts. "Cmon, Y/n. I'm going to leave without you if you take any longer." You promptly placed the boots on your feet (without doing the zips up, so not to annoy Rose any more.) She'd already sat herself in the driver seat of your car, and as soon as you slumped into the passenger seat, she set off as fast as possible to Ed's.

You raced each other to his door like children, both attempting to ring his doorbell first, giggling and tripping over each other as you did so. Maybe the night wasn't going to be as bad as you thought. Nish answered the door and greeted you both with one of his famously big hugs, before leading you through to the kitchen. Rose and Nish immediately began mingling with people you barely knew, so you propped yourself up on Ed's kitchen counter and waited for someone to approach you. After a few minutes, you heard the doorbell ring again, swiftly turning your head to watch Ed answer it. James burst in, obnoxious, yellow glasses perched on his forehead, and bottles of beer in each hand. The rest of the room met him with a cheer, unlike you, who met him with the dirtiest look you could muster. He caught your eye and smirked at you sarcastically. Disgusting. Ed had finally caught your eye as well. He'd been looking for you all evening, so quickly rushed over to where you were sat, ushering James in your direction.

"Hey, Y/n! Where have you been?" Ed says, pulling you into a hug and pecking you on the cheek. You'd been his friend for about 7 years now, so this behaviour definitely wasn't out of the ordinary. However, you could feel Acaster's eyes on him like daggers as he did so. Strange. You decided to brush it off and carry on with the evening, talking with Ed as James uncomfortably stood between you. Soon enough though, Ed had begun talking to other people. Even though it was his party, you cursed him for leaving you alone with 'Mr Corduroy'. Barely even acknowledging you, James propped himself up on the counter next to you and handed you a bottle of beer. You snatched it from him, your fingers only slightly brushing his, and took a long, long swig.

"What's gotten into you, feisty?" He says, smirking. You don't give him the pleasure of replying. You just take another sip of your drink. He scooches closer to you in an attempt to piss you off even further. You're glad the kitchen is dark at this point, you can feel a redness creeping into your cheeks as your hands get closer to his thighs. You feel your fingers touch his corduroy trousers, slowly running them up and down the fabric. You continue to avoid eye contact with him. Soon enough, your entire palm rested on his leg.

"I feel that, Y/l/n." He whispers. You snap out of your daze, and (fuelled with embarrassment) you quickly hop off the counter, and speed walk to somewhere else in the house. Anywhere else in the house would be better than here. Rose stops you in the middle of your panicky run. You try to shove past her, but she grabs your arm and pulls you back.

"Woahwoahwoah, what's going on?" She says, slightly slurred. "Is it James?"

"I hate him." You splutter. "I hate him so much, Rose. Oh, God. I've made myself look a right prick." You throw your head into your hands, covering your flaming red face. Rose grabs both of your shoulders and shakes you slightly. Jesus. She's so drunk.

"He likes you, Y/n."

"Of course he doesn't."

"He does. It's obvious you like him too," She says, making you blush. "Go and find him."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Hey. Don't argue with the drunk lady," She giggles, "Go and find him." She swivels you around and pushes you away from her, leaving you to navigate the maze of drunk stand-ups ahead of you. Blindly, you push past the sea of people. Despite being Ed's friend for so many years, the layout of his house wasn't particularly familiar to you. Most of the evenings spent there were forgotten by the next morning. Whilst your brain was on autopilot, you'd unknowingly stumbled into the kitchen. Shit. He's here. You froze, letting your eyes scan the room. There he was, sat on Ed's kitchen counter, chatting with some other girl he'd probably just met. Your eyes meet his from across the room. Shit. You swiftly turn your head around and head through the patio doors, hiding yourself in a quiet corner of the garden. You pull a fag out of your overall pocket, placing it in your mouth, before tapping your other pockets in search of a lighter.

"Shit." You whisper. "Must've left it on the table." You sigh.

Suddenly, a hand holding a lighter reaches your mouth. It's index finger flicks the wheel, and after a few tries, the end of your cigarette is lit. You turn your head. James stared back at you with a slight smile on his face. He lets you take a drag, before removing the cigarette from your mouth and replacing it with a soft, passionate kiss. His arms snaked round your waist, and your stomachs touched as the kiss deepens. He pulls away for a second, and whispers into your ear.

"Try not to feel my legs up this time, Y/n."

"Shut up, prick." you whisper back, grabbing his hand and leading him through the house and towards the front door.

"Shouldn't you be taking Rose home?" He furrows his brow. "I don't want to spoil the mood or anything, but she will most definitely not be allowed in any ubers tonight." You quickly peek behind his shoulder and through the living room window. Rose is taking shots off a man's chest.

"Ed won't mind her staying. She'll be fine."

"Good." He kisses you again, this time with more need and passion than the last.

"Hey, James?"

"Yes?"

"I hate you." You mutter against his smirking lips.

"I hate you more."