deja vu

My love

Gems pov:
Screaming...shouting...crying.

It happened again.

I should be used to it now, its been going on for three years, ever since Fourth... but i still wake up in a pool of my own sweat and tears. The image of Fourth on the hospital bed, his vitals dropping, the never-ending beep on the machine that announced his death. They still haunt me.

I tried to save him, I used all my energy and more to try save him. But the police said the water currents were strong, the reef was sharp...too much blood was lost...I couldn't do anything.

I would chip in my whole life for him if i could. He could have all my years, and I would happily leave. I curse those icy cold waters, the waters that took the rosy colour from his cheeks, the waters that painted his lips a blue so heartbreaking, the waters that took the light out of his eyes...

Fourth, my Fourth.

They had no right to take him, nobody has any rights to take him from me.

We were to be married. He was so excited, he planned everything perfectly, and even picked out matching tuxedos for us, with little lillies embroidered down the edges.

Those were his favorite flowers. I guess we never knew that lillies brought bad luck, and represents death.

I wish i could blame the lillies, blame them for taking him from me. But no, it's all my fault. I'm supposed to be the  most experienced doctor in Asia, I could usually handle anything, stitch up any wound. But I couldn't even save the one who I love most from the pitliessly cruel hands of death. How pathetic.

Memories come back to me every night, memories of all the happy times we spent together. He loved me, and I loved him, so much. And I still do, I still love him, and I always will, until the end of my life, and my next life, and the next, until the sun explodes and all humans die. Then, I will continue loving him spiritually, forever and ever and ever...

I have many times thought of following his footsteps, for I have found it suffocating living in a world without him. He was my reason of existence, the person who made me excited of waking up in the morning. Now he's gone, I really don't see the point anymore.

Many evenings I have spent with a blade aimed at my wrist, but when I grit my teeth and prepare myself for the pain, his voice floods into my head...the last conversation we ever had.

"Gem, listen to me. If anything happens to me and I won't be able to see your face tomorrow, please live. Live your life, I'm begging you"

After that a new stream of tears run down my face, down my neck, and onto the black and white photo of him, smiling so happily. And the blade falls, everything crumbles and falls around me.

And then I fall, back into aimless slumber filled with screams and tears that stain my pillow once more. Just to be awakened again, and again. Its the cycle of my life now.

My Fourth, my rosebud boy...