deja vu

Monsoon

Present...a week after Gemini's death

Phuwin's pov:

The funeral was short and bitter. The aura was dank and miserable. The clothes were black, the lies were white, the future was unpromising.

He was buried on the same cliff he died, next to his lover. The brothers sobbed, the mothers weeped, the fathers sat and stared. I took a glass, of burning pain, it lasted for a week.

People came, people left, only I stayed. My son was kept from laying eyes on his uncle's lifeless frame. I sat and watched in silence as they buried my brother's body. Rain came, rain left, covering his grave. Dust came, dust left, blurring out his name.

"P'Phuwin, it's time to leave" Liming muttered. "You can't stay anymore, it's about to rain."

Liming was Fourth's twin brother. He is a sign language teacher, him and his husband- Heart, who is a deaf and mute teacher who teaches students with hearing disabilities at a Science and Technology uni in Phuket, got married three years ago, two weeks before Fourth's passing.

"Leave me alone..." I manage a grunt "It's only been a week, how do you expect me to recover so soon?"

"I don't, I just wish you wouldn't stay out in the rain, you might get sick." He looked at me, dismayed.

"So what if I get sick? As if I have anyone to live for. My parents are dead, now my brother is dead...it's my turn to die now isn't it!" Hurling another bottle off the cliff, I was desparate to fill the ocean with my bottles, to live in a sea of glass.

"How could you say that?" I turned around, that voice was familiar. My husband's eyes filled with disappointment and sorrow, grasping onto our son's hand tightly. "Are we not enough to keep you alive? Huh! Me, your husband, Tinn, your son...are we not enough?" His eyes filled with tears as my son's eyes pierced me like daggers, not understanding why his father wanted to die.

"Daddy..." His voice was barely a whisper.

They turned and left. Liming walked away, exasperated, leaving an umbrella next to my new haul of liquer. I didn't even bother to try and run after them, death was really the sweet relief I yearned for.

"Gem..." I whispered to his grave "I understand you now"

The last conversation I had with him.

"I don't expect you to understand me! I don't expect anyone to understand me!" His voice rings in my ear.

"I understand you...I understand you..." I rocked back and forth, still unable to accept the truth.

Suddenly, a note was handed to me
'you can't keep living like this. there are still people that love you, love you so much that your absence may drive them to the state you are now'.

I looked up. The deaf boy.

Me and Heart were never close, partly because he lived in Phuket and I in Bangkok, partly because I could never speak sign language. But now I can't even look at him because his face reminds me of Gemini. He looked like Gemini, the same soft features but without the sharp edginess Gemini had, and the way he smiled, the way his nose wrinkles when he yawns, just like Gemini...

The last time I saw him was at Fourth's funeral, two weeks after he and Liming got married. I remember Liming being hysteric, and Heart comforting him. Gemini was staring at Liming the whole time, it was like he was in a trance. Gemini never talked to Liming after that, I think it's because Liming and Fourth were identical, and Gemini was still deep in remorse and madness.

I nodded at the boy, still unable to manage a smile.

'I will, just give me some time' I signed to him in awkward movements of my hands...I was still new to this. In which he just nodded, squeezing my shoulder.