You Are Hot Then You Are Cold

Vol 4 (Side Story 1): The first day (3)

Although Karlyle had finished taking all the guests to the hall where they'll have the meal, Ash never showed up. Natalie brings out plenty of food, purposely not telling him to check on Ash. Her dishes are stacked on a large tableware for everyone to share. Seeing people helping her, Karlyle excuses himself and leaves for a bit.

Ash is talking to Aaron on the spot earlier. As he is about to go inside, he pauses in his tracks when seeing Ash looking so serious. He ought to move, but his polished black shoes feel like lead weights on the floor.

Standing silently in the shadow of the hallway, Karlyle listens to their conversation. He knows it's impolite to eavesdrop on other people's conversations, but somehow he can't step away. His heart is conflicted by his indiscretion, but it’s impossible to turn away now.

"So, please don't bring up Hazel here. Please."

"Oh sorry. It wasn't on purpose."

Aaron is apologizing with an apologetic expression. Ash is silent for a moment. His fingers are ruffling his hair. That habit of his always comes out when he's troubled, it has been a while since Karlyle has seen Ash like that.

"I know. It's just…. I don't want Karlyle to feel upset. So, please. He'll be sad if Hazel comes up."

That's right. After they started dating, Karlyle realized he’s much more monopolistic and greedy than he ever could have imagined. So he never asked about Ash’s past relationships. Even before they became lovers, Karlyle felt jealous of those who were lucky enough to be around Ash. In such a yard, there's no way he can ask Ash about it now that they are dating.

"Then you didn’t know about Hazel?"

Aaron asks back. After a few seconds of silence, Ash speaks.

"I haven't told you, but things didn't end well with Hazel, so I didn’t want to mention it, either. Can you tell others, too?"

"Oh my, I'm really sorry. I didn't know things between you didn't end well. You two got along well, but suddenly Hazel went to study abroad. So we thought you went to America later to see Hazel. Besides, didn't he sometimes come to see you after graduating?"

Karlyle slowly blinks, befuddled by the flow of the story. For a moment, his brain ceases to function at all, like everything in his head is being dug up. Karlyle slowly curls  his fingers and clenches his fists. As his nails dig into his palms, his consciousness comes back a little. What he is hearing now is something  Karlyle never wanted to hear.

He doesn't want to know about a version of Ash who loved someone else.

Not only is he jealous of countless past flings , but Karlyle also has never faced reality. Ash, too, has never talked about or mentioned such things since dating, he focuses solely on Karlyle. Perhaps that’s why Karlyle believed that even if he happened to see traces of Ash's past, he would be able to survive. He believes Ash loves him.

However….what if to Ash, he is not the most special one?

That old anxiety that he had long since put aside shakes him deeply. Even before he went out with Ash, Karlyle thought Ash had no reason to like someone like him. While he only held Ash in his heart, Karlyle believed he was nothing more than a passing relationship to him. The fact that Ash has had many lovers itself strengthens that assumption. He doesn't seem to be the type of person to have room for only one person in his heart.

As this thought appears, the small, needling things that he has been struggling with in his mind all float to the surface .

"It's not like that."

Ash answers with his eyes narrowed. Aaron shrugs.

"Then tell me the reason later. Everyone thought that the two of you would get married as soon as you graduated, but one day, you suddenly said you had broken up, so I have been curious until now."