You Are Hot Then You Are Cold

Vol 6 (Side Story 3): Chapter 3.3

All that you are,
is all that I'll ever need

Back at home, it's finally just the two of them. They were quiet on the way back until they got home. The silence is broken only when Bonbon, who has been left home alone out of plan, runs up to them excitedly.

"Hello. Bonbon."

Ash sits down and calls her name softly. He strokes her fur, Bonbon rolls over and exposes her belly. Karlyle also slowly sits down next to him and rubs her belly. Then he says,

"We have made you wait. We're sorry."

"It's already dinner time. For Bonbon, and for us, too."

Ash says and holds his hand out to Karlyle. Karlyle takes it and Ash supports him to stand up. A very careful gesture like when they were at the hospital. Like he's treating someone who is already pregnant. Then his anxiety becomes reality. He unconsciously blurts out a question.

"Ash...do you want to have kids?"

Ash's smiling eyes turn to him. Karlyle can't figure out what Ash's thinking behind his ever so caring and gentle expression.

"It's your child, Lyle. Of course I want it."

There's only sincerity in his voice. Of course Ash will say so. He wouldn't hate the child of the person he loves. But, but....he clearly remembers what Ash once said. That he'd like there to be only one person who he loved more than anyone in this world. That he didn't want to have children.

He holds himself back from bursting out the question. He only nods. This time, Ash asks him.

"What about you, Lyle? The most important thing is your wish."

Ash is looking at him with careful eyes. There's, of course, only one answer that Karlyle can give.

"I...want it, too. If the result is positive, I mean,"

Ash wants it, but I don't.

Is this a normal human reaction? Is it right to have such thoughts about children? Karlyle looks down at his stomach. He doesn't feel anything behind those firm abdomen. His mind is a total mess, but how can he tell Ash? He's afraid Ash will see him as a monster.

"Lyle. Everything will be fine."

Even though he doesn't say anything, Ash seems to sense his anxiety. He clasps his hand and says.

"Let's think about other things after the test results come out tomorrow. Now how about we go to bed for a rest?"

It's nice to hear that.

"Okay."

He answers quietly. Ash hugs him gently yet strongly and buries his nose in the nape of his neck. He can feel his warm breath.

"I miss you so much, Lyle. It's so hard to be away from you even for just a few hours."

"I also feel the same."

In particular, it was hard to endure the turmoil that swept through him during the short time Ash wasn't by his side. His mother didn't look happy while Mariam was too much overjoyed. But he himself seemed to be the only one in the middle who felt nothing.

He thought he had been able to feel and express more after meeting Ash, but it looks like he still has a long way to go. Can a person like him become a father? The self-doubt and anxiety buried deep down in him are breaking free and running wild in his head. He pulls Ash closer, taking in his body odor to force himself to forget those thoughts.

Their evening today is very different from usual due to the possibility of "maybe". First, sex is a no. Recently, simply washing together can lead to them making love, but today, Ash literally just washes him. He bathes Karlyle with very careful hands, as if he's handling glass. It feels so strange. It isn't that Karlyle doesn't like it. Of course it's a pity not being able to feel Ash, but there's no other choice.