You Are Hot Then You Are Cold

Vol 4 (Side Story 1): Propose day (2)

(Ash POV)

Ash smiles at Karlyle, who keeps looking at him and then looking averting his eyes like a small animal. Karlyle's face twitching like a timid rabbit, how can someone be so lovely? Ash ought to reassure his lover, but he's simply too adorable. Karlyle is a little shorter than him, his hands and his shoulder are so pretty and cute. He doesn't want to share Karlyle with anyone.

"Are you waiting because you want to go wash up with me?"

He had Karlyle eat a proper dinner since Karlyle would cry and come a lot. Nevertheless, Karlyle seemed nervous so that eventually, they started drinking. He figured that Karlyle would not like the toys, but Karlyle was much more shocked by the afternoon's events than he expected.

"No. I'll go after I finish drinking this."

Karlyle answers, clutching the glass in his hand. The amber liquid swirls around his cup, half full. Although Karlyle is cute, Ash is worried. He rubs his chin with his index finger. It's already his third glass of Negroni rum.

It's the first time he has seen someone who drank 50 percent alcohol that much. Ash fancies himself a good drinker, but has never thought of drinking such a pure distilled liquor in a barrel. Honestly, his lover often shows unexpected sides, making him amazed every time.

"Aren't you drinking too much?"

He thinks Karlyle is trying to stall for time. Ash swallows down his laugh. He's so cute. Should I just let him win? If I say you don't have to go through with the punishment anymore, Karlyle's gaunt face will surely brighten. He'll open his eyes slightly wide in disbelief, then carefully lace his fingers together and ask if it's true. Karlyle isn't used to smiling, but his expressionless lips will curve up ever so slightly for sure.

A beautiful temptation indeed, but Ash wants to achieve his goal. Ever since the day Karlyle pushed him away, the thought that Karlyle could be hiding something has brought him nothing but anxiety.

He knows that giving the other person personal space and respecting each other's personalities are the basic framework of a relationship, but Karlyle is overly closed off. Though things have gotten better. Ash always wonders what the man is thinking behind that expressionless face. But he has never tried to push Karlyle. He wants to respect Karlyle's will, and above all, he wants to wait patiently until Karlyle is ready to bring it up first.

But the moment Karlyle knocked his hands away with a deeply hurt face, the shock that occurred to him was so intense that he couldn't even handle it. He felt like his whole soul had been rejected. It was so painful, as if he had committed the world's greatest sin.

He was pushed away by his Lyle, not by anyone else.

To confess his arrogance, from some point, Ash had subconsciously believed that Karlyle would never push him away. He had always believed that Karlyle's faithful presence, his eyes which only turned to Ash, would belong to him forever. It was a blind faith indeed-and that blind faith had become his downfall. The Ash before wouldn't have ever believed so wholeheartedly. Ever since he was betrayed by Hazel, he has avoided giving his complete trust to the heart of another .

It's true that he always does his best for the person he loves, but he never blindly believes that the other person would love him forever. That's a separate issue. He always tries to focus on the present.

In such circumstances, there's no way he could talk about marriage with anyone. When he met Hazel, he was still too young to think about it. Hazel seemed to have wanted it, but....

Seeing Karlyle being angry with him for something he had never done, it was more painful than sad. His heart ached so badly, just the same as when Karlyle cut him off for the first time. All that time, he couldn't get his hands on anything. Karlyle's eyes were so red as if he was going to cry. Everytime he remembered that face, his heart hurt so much that he couldn't sleep. Restless, he stayed up all night with his eyes open, worried that Karlyle would cry alone somewhere he couldn't see. What were you thinking at that time, Karlyle? Were you thinking that you were worthless, that you were inferior to Hazel? Ever since Ash knew that Karlyle looked down on himself, he's been trying to keep Karlyle from thinking like that.