Happy To Live

Chapter 4

Days turned into weeks, weeks had turned into months, I stopped waiting up for Namjoon to come home, I gradually stopped sleeping in his bed, my heart ached to hear his laugh, to see him smile, to lay next to him again, but he was gone. Everyone blamed themselves, blamed Namjoon for what had happened, but I blamed myself, if I had listened, given him my time, heard him out none of this would have happened. I felt incomplete without him,our daughter slept with his blanket, his picture sat on the table next to her bed. I made sure Namjoon was still present in her life, Dae had come around to forgiving him, watching me heal made him want to heal and forgive. Changkyun had been incredibly patient with us, but I knew he blamed himself as much as he blamed Namjoon. I didn't know where he was, but I hoped he knew how much we all loved him. How much I loved him, that would never change, our souls would always be one.

"Baby, I'm going to be fine, Karly and Jenna are with me, it's just a vacation." I curled into Changkyun's side, trying to ease his worry.

"I love you Haven, I don't want you to leave, something could happen to you." My husband hadn't left my side, he made a promise to never abandon our family again.

"I love you so much, I love that you are my constant, but we are safe." Changkyun kissed my temple, wrapping his arms around me, holding onto me a little longer.

"I know you deserve this trip, but please keep in touch with me." I didn't argue with him, we stayed in bed a little longer, before I boarded our plane.

I knew Namjoon's phone was still on, I would send him updates of our daughter, he would respond with small sentences. I kept our group chat active; I wanted him to know he had a home. Boarding our plane went smoothly, Jenna and Karly bonded talking about their kids, about Jay and Yoongi, occasionally Karly would bring up Wonho, she seemed more protective over him recently. I hadn't spoken much, I found joy watching them. I knew they hoped that this trip would awaken the woman I had locked away. I wanted that as well, I had built a wall up, to protect my family, myself, and my sanity. Eventually I knew I would unravel, but I didn't feel that happening soon. Work kept my mind busy; my family kept my heart from aching, and my friend's kept laughter in my life. Even though I had all of those things, I knew I would never be complete without Namjoon, as much as Dae denied it, he felt incomplete too. I was thankful that Zuri was small, she wouldn't remember feeling like this, at least that's what I hoped.

"Haven..." Jenna turned my face away from staring out the window.

"Princess, come here, cry on us, you don't have to be strong when we are together, we will be your strength." Karly climbed into the seat next to me, pulling me into her arms, Jenna sat on my lap kissing the top of my head. I cried until I couldn't, I cried until my eyes closed, letting go of the pain I continuously carried with me.

"I am calling him...he needs to know how much she loves him." Jenna took my phone, connecting it to the Wi-Fi.

"He won't answer, I've tried...it hurts to see her this lost." Karly twisted my hair.

"I have Jay's back up phone, I can call him on it." Karly hesitated, giving Jenna permission, Karly covered me up, listening to the phone ring.

"Hello? Jay is everything okay?" Namjoon answered, his voice made my heart race, but the pain was coming back.

"Yeah, actually Joon, if you don't come home Haven may spiral, this isn't like what she went through with I.M...you and her are connected." Karly couldn't hide the hurt, the worry, the pain in her voice.

"I can't...I've been sent away until I finish this job, I can't come home." Namjoon's voice sounded as broken as I felt.

"Namjoon if we lose her, I don't know if we can get her back." I wanted to open my eyes, to take the phone, to ask him how he was, what he was going through, to know where he was, I wanted to fly to him, be with him.

"My girl is still in there, I worry about her too, I worry about Dae, about Zuri, I miss them...I miss her...but I don't know if her and I could ever be what we were even after I come back." I cried in my sleep hearing him call me his, knowing he would come back was enough for me. I would take any relationship with Namjoon, then no relationship at all.

"I love you..." I whispered half asleep.

"I love you too baby..." I could hear Namjoon cry, I cried with him.

"Don't give up on us, you will always have a home with me..." Namjoon stopped talking I knew he was crying, I wanted to be there with him.

"I would never give up on us Haven..." I took Jay's phone out of Jenna's hand.

"Namjoon, say the word, I will come to you." Jenna and Karly waited for his response, I waited for his voice.

"Babe, I can't have you here...just let go of me for a little while, when I come back... I hope we can get back to us." I wiped my tears, remembering how he would kiss my tears away.

"Only if you answer my question..." Namjoon cleared his throat, I knew he wasn't listening to question. He was listening to my voice as well.

"If I do, babe, promise you will turn it off, be whoever you need to be to heal." My heart ached, the ideal of healing without my medicine man.

"If the world was ending, you would come over..." I could hear Namjoon smile.

"Babe, even if the world wasn't ending, I would be there. We were meant for each other, we have to endure a little more." Even though Namjoon wasn't with me, I could feel his warmth, his love, his love for me, for our son, for our daughter.

"I love you, Joonie." My voice cracked; I knew our call was ending.

"I love you more, Haven Akito." Namjoon's voice shook, before hanging up our call, I closed my eyes laying my head on Karly's lap, holding on to the phone, as if Namjoon was there with me, I knew the moment I opened my eyes, I would let go of my emotions, my pain, locking it away along with the woman I continued to lock away. I knew Namjoon was doing the same thing, but I found peace with the idea of knowing he would be mine again someday.