𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐍² , 𝗧𝗦𝗜𝗧𝗣.

𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞, 2

"we should already be in the car!" mom yelled. it was steven graduation. i just wore a simple black dress.

i step downstairs after putting on my shoes. i see mom holding a picture of her and susannah and i don't comfort her.

comforting her would result in both of us breaking down.

"hey, is this okay?" belly asked, coming downstairs. i observe her white dress with flower prints and i nod.

"i swear i left the tickets here." mom said and the doorbell rang.

"i thought your dad was meeting us there." mom said, panicking.

"will you... shoot, i forgot to make the reservation for lunch." mom said as belly went to check the door.

"i figured. i did it." i said.

"they're not gonna start without me. we've got time." steven said.

"i was supposed to iron that shirt for you." mom said "take it off."

"its handled." steven said. "see? i used the starch spray that it makes look real smooth." he said, raising his arm and twirling making mom chuckle and make me smile.

"ooh is that for me?" steven asked as belly comes back with a heavy box filled with gifts and she sets it on the table.

"sweet, a laptop!?" steven exclaimed as belly picked up a note.

"wait, who sent this?" he asked.

"oh my god." belly said, reading the note. i look at her and walk to her, looking at the note.

"it's from susannah." she said and i feel a pang in my heart as i stared at the note in belly's hand.

"she must have planned it before." mom said and i want them to stop talking about her or i'll start sobbing again.

"classic beck." mom said.

"i know she must have one for you too. for your graduation." mom said and i try to give a smile but it wavers.

"i'm scared that susannah won't be there when i go to college."

"i wish she could have been here." steven said.

"conrad and jeremiah too." he continued and both me and belly looked down at the table.

just like when conrad broke up with me. or we broke up with each other. a few days later, jeremiah broke up with belly.

"they were busy." mom said and i scoff, bitterly.

"yeah, sure." steven whispered, staring at the note, and then looks up at me, with a glare. i look away not meeting his gaze.

mom shrugs it off when steven tries to hand her the note and then we leave.

"they say that everything happens for a reason. now, who 'they' are, exactly, unclear. maybe a theologian coined it." steven speaks into the microphone and the crowd laughs, including us.

"or, i don't know, whoever configured the stimulation we're clearly living in. maybe it was rihanna." i chuckle at his lameness.

"no, no, rihanna, can do no wrong. it was definitely not her. but we've heard it time and time again. it's supposed to convince us, you know, that everything had to happen exactly so, in order to teach us something about ourselves, in order for us to grow and meet our destiny." he said and chuckled softly.

"i think that's BS. i'm sorry, mom, sorry. you know, breakups don't always lead to breakthroughs. sometimes a girl dumps you after an awesome summer," yeah, shayla dumped him.

"and it sucks! and you learn nothing from it but you eventually force yourself to move on anyways. but then the unthinkable happens, and you realize it's pointless to think of life that way." steven continues.

"rose." susannah calls me and i stop.

"hey, i never see you in here." i said, as i step in the room.

"your mom assigned me this room to clean." she said "its the easiest, since i don't think she set foot in here once to do any writing this summer."

"she's having a writers block." i smile as i sit next to her.

"dont you hire cleaners anyway?" i asked and susannah shushed me.

"i love that necklace on you." she said, her hand pushing my hair back.

"i'm just glad, he's getting better.." i say, quietly and she smiles, nodding.

"i- i'm going to miss you." my voice cracks and i sit closer, hugging her and she wraps her arms around me, her hand petting my head.

"this place is always here for you." she whispered.

"you've made this place magical. what happens when.." i quietly cry.

"you are going to keep the magic alive. you and belly will be the reason, this magical place will stay on. and laur." she said.

"you and belly love this place the same way i do. you two are going to keep the magic alive. my special girls." she had said.

"you two are going to be the brides of my two boys." she said, and pulls me back her hands resting on my cheeks.

"my connie's bride." she had said.

"i have to call the cleaners." she stands up and i hug her waist.

"promise me. you'll never leave me." i whispered.

"never." she chuckled, looking at me with tears and she kissed my forehead.

i stare at the two empty seats, reserved for conrad and jeremiah, and i feel the tears and heartbreak coming.

i take a shaky breath and look back at steven, tears gathering in my eyes and i blink them away.

"because everything just happens. you know, good things, bad things, all in ways that you'd could never expect. all in ways that are so completely out of your control that they could just drive you insane." steven said.

"there are times where it feels like that the world is happening to you, but remember that you are also happening to the world. so don't wait. make what you want happen. because tomorrow isn't promised, so you better make fucking sure that you are living today!" the crowd erupts into cheers and clapping. steven blows a kiss and makes a heart at us.

i feel ever since susannah died, i have been having a nightmare that i can't seem to wake up from. and every worst thing is happening in that dream. susannah dying, conrad and jeremiah hating me, steven being mad at me.

and i feel ever since susannah died, i have been maturing. i'm not the same girl who used to be petty and who would get drunk and dance on tables and kiss everyone.

i feel like i'm turning into my mother. ignoring my feelings and keeping them hidden. not talking about things that hurt because if i do my whole family might fall apart.

"it was a great speech." i said to steven as the three of us siblings starts to walk to the car to go to the restaurant.

"susannah would've loved it." belly said.

"yeah, i know. you know, i'm glad you guys are coming to the party tonight." steven said.

"wow! i can't believe what i'm hearing." belly exaggerated and we smiled.

"you really want me, rose, AND taylor at your party?" belly asked.

"well, i never said 'want'" he said "i just.." he trails and belly laughs and i chuckle.

"i just think it's better than moping around at home." he said.

"you should drive." he said to me, handing me the keys and i softly smile.