Dear Traitor

Section Four

You made your priorities clear when it came to the choice between me and Hope and your new family, especially Portia. One time, while you, Hope, and I were at Walmart, I had mentioned that Portia was our stepmom. You scolded me for this, claiming that she was not our stepmom. You told me that she was me and Hope's "bonus mom". At ten, I did not understand the difference. At seventeen, I still do not understand. I was not insulting her by saying she was my stepmom. It is only true. I never even saw Portia as my "bonus mom". I only saw her as above the importance of me and Hope, because she was. She will always be your first choice without hesitation.

It was almost as if you wanted me so badly to replace my mother with this random lady who showed up to your house uninvited after talking to you on a random dating website.

You would also say we should be grateful me and Hope had a bonus mom because "not everyone has two moms". Well, that's a little crazy considering God designed the family to be a mom and a dad, not two moms and a dad.

I would not admit it to you at the time, but Portia frightened me. She was kind at first, but quickly became cold and standoffish towards me. She never really enjoyed interacting with me. Once, she even told Hope she hated my personality, which she could easily deny if you ever asked her about it. Or perhaps she hated me openly now- I would not care enough to know.

I could never get her to smile even when I was joking around. One time, I said something about Nicki Minaj. I did not say she was my favorite singer or anything, but Portia got onto me for knowing who she was. Because I knew Nicki existed, I was a sinner. First of all, I can know who a singer is and not have anything to do with them. If someone does not know who Nicki Minaj is, then they are living under a rock. I have heard her in music in restaurants, and I have heard her being spoken about by other people. I was not searching her up on the internet as Portia claimed. I live in this world, just not of the world. I mean- DUH! The fact I have to explain that is ridiculous. Being sheltered doesn't make me any better if a person. Ignorance to the immoral things of this world is worse than having no knowledge of it.

Once, you told me and Hope this when we arrived at your house after school.

"When you go inside, give Portia a hug and ask her how her day has been."

When I entered the house and saw Portia, she was cooking in the kitchen. She was definitely busy, and her mind seemed to be occupied. Out of consideration, I decided not to bother her despite your instructions. I feared she would yell at me for asking about her day when she was clearly in the middle of making supper. Instead, I went into my room and began watching TikTok on my phone. Suddenly, I heard your stomping furiously through the hallway. My heart rate increased as the stomping grew louder. Before I could even prepare myself for what was about to happen, my door swung open and my phone was snatched from my hands. I got my phone taken away for an entire weekend for disobeying, yet I probably would have gotten it taken away either way for "bothering" Portia.

Yet, that was not the end.

"Holly, go sit in Portia's lap."

(I was thirteen, and physical touch has never been my love language.)

"Holly, go ask Portia if she needs help in the kitchen."

"Holly, go take care of Portia because she has had a rough day today."

"Holly, go tell Portia how much you love her."

Do this for Portia. Do that for Portia. However, according to Portia, I make her life a living hell. According to her, kids only exist to do their parent's chores. She told me if she ever went to Hawaii that she would not take me because I would ruin her vacation. She said she did not care if my arm and leg fall off before going to school. She would take me to school regardless and ignore my pain. She called me stupid for forgetting to put the toilet paper on the toilet paper roll. She made me feel like a burden, like another expensive mouth to feed. She would always complain about buying groceries because I "ate too much". When I would ask for food, Portia complained I was always hungry. She told me that I should not like Hello Kitty because it was for kids, and I would grow out of it. (I still love Hello Kitty.) Portia used to steal my stuff that I brought from my mom's house. She stole my clothes, my hair brush, my shampoo, and my mascara. She even stole you from me which I believe was her plan all along- to have you all to herself.

Once I had even confronted her about stealing my stuff, and she proceeds to give it back to me and say "your sin will find you out" as if I were the one in the wrong. That is kind of ironic considering SHE was the one who stole from ME.

With that being said, I am sure Portia would love nothing more than to drop kick me off this Earth. Her hatred for me is strong, and you were too busy pampering her to ever notice. For years, I had to coddle her, yet I was never allowed to be loved.

Don't believe me? Let me go deeper.

It is March 9th, 2020. It is my thirteenth birthday. You, Hope, Portia, and I are sitting in the living room of the condo at the beach. At that moment, I was deciding what to do for my birthday. As I am choosing between mini golf and arcade, Portia scoffs at me and tells me to hurry up. Her tone of voice catches me off guard, as I did not understand why she was randomly acting so harsh. She kept pushing me to hurry up and decide. I panicked. I thought I was doing something wrong. Then, my breaking point was when she called me a "pussy". You read that right. She called me the "p" word. I began crying and ran back to my room in the condo. I could not understand why she would do that, especially on my birthday. According to Hope, she also remembers the same thing happening. Saying this, this is not some made up story.

After that, you came into my room. Not to comfort me. Not to say what Portia said was wrong. No, you sat beside me on the bed to say I hurt Portia's feelings.

Yeah...

She was sitting on the balcony in tears because "she thought I did not like her". In other words, she decided to cry victim in a situation she created.

You know what, I actually apologize. I should have asked Portia what she wanted to do for my birthday.

I hope you can tell that was sarcastic.

Instead of getting onto Portia for being impatient and blatantly rude, you got onto me. It was somehow my fault. It always was. It was always "you hurt her feelings" and "think of how upset Portia is". What about MY feelings? Have you ever once thought about how I felt? Do you even care to know how she made ME feel? Also, not to mention she was miserable the rest of the day.

It was clear she was resentful towards me from day one, but I suppose love is blinding.