Dear Traitor

Section Nine

I will say I do not recall most of the lectures you gave me. The trauma has fogged most of everything from my memory, but I can do my best. I remember one in particular where I forgot the reason for the lecture, but I remembered what you said. (I remembered it after reading a journal entry about it which I will mention later on in the book, but I wrote this section before discovering it). We were sitting in the living room at night. Most lectures took place during the night when no one else was around in your living room. I was curled up in my chair as tears began welling up in my eyes. That chair still holds the tears of a disturbed child. I hope you know that. I believe every time you lectured me, I sobbed.

You had started the lecture softly until you noticed my tears. That was when I knew I made a mistake. Something seemed to ignite within you. I could even feel it in my own chest, but it was quickly masked by the fear produced inside me.

"Yeah! Go ahead! Cry! I don't care! Cry all you want to!" you had raised your voice.

You were now on the edge of your seat. I thought you might leap from your chair and onto me. Your hands were gripping the arms of your black rocking chair. Your expression was heartless, your countenance uncaring. I felt your razor-sharp gaze piercing my soul. For a moment, I thought the world was caving in. The rest was like a fever dream.

Those probably were not the exact words, but definitely close enough. You then rambled on about many things. You yelled, screamed, and carried on like a crazy man. You told me no one would miss me if I died. You said I would never get a husband. You said no one cared for me. You tried guilt tripping me saying "you don't even love me". You told me people would never want to be friends with me because of my timid nature. You said being introverted gave the appearance of a rude individual. I am ashamed to admit I believed this. I believed I had no friends, that everyone thought I was mean. I thought something was wrong with me, but you were the reason. You caused me to develop intense social anxiety and made it out to be my fault, as if I developed it out of my own free will. Shy people being unfriendly is a common misconception and being introverted should not be described as a negative character trait. Yet, you cannot understand this. You told me I would fail in life. You told me I would get pregnant with a random man on the side of the road if I left you. You told me I needed you to survive, that I would never make it without a father figure. You told me I was selfish, ungrateful, and everything a daughter ought not to be. Yet, that was only a manipulation tactic to keep me as your puppet. The only reason I have succeeded is because I left you. Because I left you, my anxiety has lessened over the years. Because I left you, I learned that the way you treated me was far from normal. Because I left you, I made all the friends you said I would never make.

Also, I have one thing to say about the "becoming a teen parent" thing. I absolutely will never give myself away to a random man. I cannot even fathom how you reduced me to a lustful object. Just a reminder that I had zero clue what sex was, so that was an outrageous thing to say. I did not even know all the cuss words.

Let's be so for real.

Despite what you may think, I do not need a man. I do not even need you. All I really need is a father, yet you decided to intentionally abuse your position and power to hurt me. You failed the role as a father. Whether it was somehow for your own benefit or just because, I do not know. But do not worry, even though I doubt I take up your thoughts, for there are men in my life who have been more of a father to me than you will ever be. Plus, I have a Heavenly Father who says I am worth more than rubies. Let all these words sink in. Read this paragraph over and over again until it is engraved in your mind. Read this until you can't escape it. I want these words to feel like a stab to the heart. Not to hurt you, but to be a wake up call.