Dear Traitor

Section Thirteen

I had just got off the phone with Mama. Then, I was called into the living room. I reluctantly walked that way, knowing what was to come. Once I sat down, you began screaming at me. Apparently while I was on the phone, I told Mama I didn't need counseling or therapy. This made you super livid for a reason that I have a hard time theorizing.

Well, you made sure I needed counseling after that lecture.

You were screaming at me so much that your face was turning red. You began mocking me saying "oh I don't need counseling." You were rocking so hard back and forth in your chair as if any moment you were going to jump off and attack me. I scrunched up in a ball on the arm chair, with tears streaming down my face. I was frightened for my life according to my journal entry about this event from 2020. One of the things I wrote in this entry was "If he were to have gotten up and fought me (I thought he was going to), I would have lost and possibly died."

The first mistake I made, however, was letting the tears fall. When you saw me crying, you jumped out of your chair completely and shouted this.

"CRY! CRY ALL YOU WANT. I DON'T CARE."

I think that was the first time I completely and fully saw who you were. Your eyes held no emotion. They were hard and cold, lifeless and empty.

Later on during the lecture, you said you wanted to kill me. You said you would kill me either when I started driving or when I turned 18. You like to twist this saying I claimed you tried to kill me a which is a lie and you know it. You threatened to, and given half the chance, you definitely would have.

Then you told me how selfish I was and that I was going to hell. What is bizarre to me is after saying that, with the very same breath and tongue you tell me that you love me. Every time you tell me you love me is like a punch in the gut. I think I would sleep better if you came to me today and told me how much you hated my guts than tell me you love me again. Because I know which is true and which is a lie.

Then, after you were calmed down, you said you "had a mental problem with wanting to kill people" as a means to justify you saying you wanted to kill me. However, do you even realize that just makes you sound even more crazy? I can't believe I wasn't even phased by that when you first said it. If that's true, you belong in a psych ward. That's not normal. Yet, you ask why can't I be a normal human being.

The other insane thing you said was "I'm gonna kick you out of the house and send you to the mansion (the orphanage in our town where troubled kids went to live)".

That night, according to my journal entry, you didn't feed me supper as punishment. In all honesty, I actually do not remember this, but it's what I wrote. I believe my brain refuses to remember the most gruesome parts of the abuse.
Another quote I wrote that I believe is worth mentioning is "if I'm not here in two or five years just know". I was thirteen, so I would have started driving at fifteen (two years), and I would have turned eighteen in five years. However, God had other plans as I am able to sit here and write this book today at seventeen years old.

This all happened because I said I didn't need counseling. You were convinced I was the crazy one. Did it scare you that I wasn't? Did it scare you that I knew the dark parts about you that you didn't even know about yourself? Was my awareness a threat? Does it scare you even now that I remember all of this, and you have zero recollection?

Now, I would like to view this from a separate perspective which is the perspective I had before reading my journal entries. This perspective has a more super natural element to it, but I still believe it with all my heart.

Let's look at what you said.

"I'm so mad at you right now that I could kill you, but I'm not going to."

Three different times you repeated that phrase, and it only took one time to instill fear within me.

Now, you may try to defend yourself by saying "well, I did not actually physically kill you." You are right. The only thing you really killed was my inner child. However, I want you and anyone else who is reading to look closer at something God revealed to me.

Not too long ago, I was sitting in my bedroom pondering upon your words.

"I'm so mad at you right now that I could kill you..."

You could kill me. You are much stronger than I am. You definitely could have. Perhaps this meant you wanted to or even slightly considered it. I do not doubt this. That terrifies me. And had I not got out of there, you most certainly would have. That alone just proves how dangerous your wrath is. That with the right motivation, one might push you to murder.

"... but I'm not going to."

My question is why didn't you? You had every desire to lay a deadly finger on me. Was it because bruises were easy to identify while mental scars were not? Was it because my sister in her room might hear the scene and call the cops? Logically, you could not-

That's it! You could not kill me.

"... but I'm not going to."

But I am not able to.

But something is holding me back.

I say but God.

God was holding you back in your rocking chair. He would never let you even leave your rocking chair. He would never let you launch at me or try to murder me. You were not holding yourself back, for you lack any sense of self control. You do not think within the realm of logic. It was God. God protected me from you, and I believe He is doing the same for Hope.

I feared you way more after that incident. Now I realize that was what you craved. Fear. Fear is a slave, a liar. You knew it would keep my mouth shut. You wanted me to actually be intimidated by your presence. It gave you a sense of power and authority. Having me frightened kept me quiet for a long time.

Until it didn't.