Dear Traitor

Section Eight

As I have mentioned before, life at your house was great before Portia. Is she the cause for all of your behavior? Maybe not necessarily. It is just something me and Hope have noticed. But then suddenly, you became cold throughout the years. You became distant, even aggressive at times. I remember once you blamed your anger issues on your PTSD from war. Do not misinterpret me, for fighting in war is a traumatic thing and can cause PTSD. However, I do not believe you can use past trauma as an excuse to traumatize others. I went through so much with you, yet all you could do was create pitiful excuses. I tried a few times to open up about things, because you would ask, and I thought you genuinely cared to hear me out. I said once that I would prefer to be able to paint at your house since you prohibited that I be allowed to do it. It was a huge hobby of mine in 2020. Besides, I only got paint on the table once, and it came out easily since it was only a little. Instead, you declared I was being ungrateful because there were other activities I could do at your house. Those activities consisted of four-wheeler riding, swimming, and swinging. You never wanted to hear about what I enjoyed. Those things are fun, but what about when it rains? Another time, I expressed that you yelling at me made me uncomfortable. Needless to say, that did not end well. I do not remember your response, but I was probably accused of being ungrateful and selfish. Eventually, I just stopped trying to give my opinion on things, because it would always be my fault for the way I felt. I just let you yell at me, because even though you made it seem this way, I truly had no voice. I had no say in anything.

You may have taken away my voice, except you never took away my real weapon.

My pencil.

Just in my personal opinion, I believe you should be able to control your tongue as a grown man. The words you shouted at me came from a much deeper and more dangerous anger that has built up inside you over time, not from the Air Force. The outbursts of fury you had were not normal. There must be something in your past that you cannot let go of. Nonetheless, there is no reason why you should have let that out onto your own daughter.

Even while you were yelling at me and lecturing me over useless things, I stayed silent. My lips were sealed in the midst of your outrageous fits of pure detestation. Never did I defend myself against you, because speaking up for myself would be painted as disrespect. However, you encouraged me once to talk back to you and stand up for myself. Except, that would be impossible, because you always had to have the last word. You always had to win. Despite this, you said I should defend my mother when you mocked her and called me a coward for not doing so. Yet, my mouth was shut, because I knew what was best for me. Also, as your daughter, I should not have to fight you. I should not have to stand up for my mother to you. I should not have to defend for myself in your household. You should be for me, not against me. Besides, I knew if I did, I would be punished beyond measure.

You considered me weak for not standing up to you, as if you wanted to fight me. I was only a coward in your eyes, but wasn't Jesus silent in the midst of persecution? He was being ruthlessly beaten, yet He said nothing. He spat no insults when they spit in his face. He had the power in His tongue to do the miraculous, yet He let them humiliate Him. The fool says what he thinks, yet the wise refrains his lips (Proverbs 15:28). According to James 1:26, those who do not control their tongue yet call themselves Christians are not what they say they are. In fact, their religion is vain.

Not that you ever gave me the chance to stand up for myself anyways.

As a kid, you gave inspirational talks of life to me and my sister. I remember listening attentively, aspiring to be like you. In a journal entry I wrote dating back to April 13, 2018, I described you using these following adjectives: "loving, caring, creative, smart, dancer, godly, and wise." Next thing I knew, it went from "you're a miracle baby" to "you're a failure". These encouraging speeches turned into critical lectures. I was yelled at for the little things, like not putting my cup in the dishwasher even though I was not done drinking from it or forgetting to make my bed. Then, the lectures would go from "you need to make your bed every morning" to "you will never make it in life". Never making it in life has literally nothing to do with making my bed. Lastly, to conclude the lecture in order to make yourself appear like "the good guy", you said that lecturing me would make me a better person.

Sorry to disappoint, but it did not. It grew so horrible to the point where I believed you were monitoring my every little move. I felt encaged under your nose, afraid of making any minor mistake. I always knew the punishment would be ten times worth the crime. If I talked too much, I needed to be quiet. If I was quiet, I was being rude and had a bad attitude. I needed to smile constantly. If I did not, I was being disrespectful. Once, while I was scrolling on my phone, Portia asked me what was wrong. I was confused until she asked me why I was not smiling. This meant she assumed I was in a bad mood. I told her I am not going to put on a fake smile while scrolling through TikTok. She told me in a bitter tone "I'm not stupid".

Well, I had not been in a bad mood, but after she said that, I was.