Dear Traitor

Section Six

Another time, I came to your house as usual, wearing my red "Amped Youth" sweatshirt. My mom bought it for me because I wanted to support my youth group (which I am no longer apart of). Well, according to your wife, I committed a crime. I mean, how dare I wear something my mom bought me when I could be wearing the very few things Portia bought me. Also, I had worn that sweatshirt to school. Did you just expect me to leave it at school or something?

In your mind and in her mind, when I wore something my mom bought me, I was saying I did not want to wear the clothes Portia bought me. Just because I drink soda, does not mean I hate water. Just because I wear my mom's clothes does not mean I hate Portia's clothes. However, the reason I preferred what my mom bought me was not because I was trying to make Portia jealous. Mama let me choose what I wear, as long as it was modest. As a growing teenager, it was also that sense of freedom to finally not have my parents decide what I wear. I know you are a man, but at least try to understand.

Portia seemed to just assume me and her had the same clothing style. She bought me clothes that I did not like, but if I expressed my opinion, I was being ungrateful. Also, all my skirts had to below my knee. Skirts above my knee were considered "booty skirts". It just felt controlling. In all honesty, I would have worn the clothes just for her, but I had no choice anyways. I never intended to be ungrateful. Some of the things she bought me were actually pretty.  I was glad she was going to Goodwill and buying me things which made her think of me. But again, I would have preferred to go shopping with her, pick out some clothing, and get her approval so that she could buy it. You actually took me shopping several times, but you let me choose what I liked. See the difference? Would you enjoy being dictated on what you can and cannot wear? Would you enjoy being dictated under any circumstance? No, because you and Portia do the dictating.

I hope I explained that well enough. But yeah, the clothing problem was unnecessary. I never understood the "I can't wear the clothes Mama bought me to your house" thing. Did you want me to come to your house butt naked or something? You and Portia also saw my sister wearing fish net tights (I believe that was what she was wearing) and told my sister she was going to get raped if she wore them in public.

I'm sorry- WHAT?!?! Clothes aren't the reason for rape. It's the lust of the man or woman. That's very disturbing to tell my sister.

Anyways, Portia does not notice I am wearing my red sweatshirt until the night rolls in, several hours after I arrive at the house. She asks why I am wearing it. I tell her it's just a sweatshirt. She asks me again, except more harshly. I reply with the same statement. I thought she was being ridiculous. That was when she yelled at me, made me cry, and goes to tell on me. I fully expected you to stomp in there and punish me without questioning the situation. Instead, you heard me out on the situation, but that does not mean you chose the right outcome. You made me take off the sweatshirt instead of making Portia apologize. I hated taking off the sweatshirt. Not because it was special or anything. It was just a red sweatshirt with "AMPED YOUTH" in bold letters. I just felt so violated and betrayed. I still do not understand why it was such a big deal. Why couldn't she just let me live in peace? Why was everything I did an attack on her? Why could I never do anything right when she was around?

Another time, I had told Portia I would keep a pair of shorts and a t-shirt at her house. It was a pair of shorts and a shirt that Mama got me, and in order not to be forced to strip it off, I just said I would keep it there. Well, I never had a chance to tell her, but Mama asked for the clothes back. Because Portia did not allow me to tell this to her, she accused me of lying about keeping the clothes there. She claimed that I was a liar and that she hated liars. She also screamed at me saying I was going to hell. Now, she said that quite often to me, and I noticed after she said things like that, you would repeat the same thing. She was the first to tell me I made her life a living hell. You had said that same phrase verbatim the day after, as if she were speaking right through you. Anyways, she yelled and screamed at me more. Only God knows what all she said, and honestly I'm glad I don't know everything. When you got home, I remember you actually heard me out and let me explain the clothes situation. Then, when Portia was in the kitchen with you while talking to me, it was as if a switch turned off in her. Instead of telling me she hated me through gritted teeth, she told me how much she loved me. However, I knew it was all lies. She only said that while you were in the room. She talked in softer tones when you entered the house. She fabricated her resentment towards me with a soft yet deceiving tongue. I never understood how you never noticed. When you weren't there, she would scoff at me. When you weren't looking, she would death stare me. But when you turned our way, her features would switch.

She accused me of being a liar yet lied to my face in the same tongue. The irony is ridiculous.

Another time, when you were not there, Portia was in the guest room with the door shut. I do not know what she was doing. Maybe wrapping Christmas presents, but I knocked on the door. I decided I would be nice and perhaps "win her over".  I asked politely if I could come in, to which she scoffed loudly and told me no. The way she said "no" suggested that I should have never asked in the first place. I concluded she was annoyed with me and that in order to win the night, I must keep my distance. I then asked if I could go make myself something in the kitchen. Keyword: myself. I could hear her frustration from the room. She became aggressively loud and said she would make me something later. From what I remember, I made myself something and never saw her that night.

You see the problem? Probably not.

"She was stressed, and you should have not bothered her."

So, now you can possibly see why I disobeyed you that one day by not saying hi to her when I first walked into the house. Is disobeying your parents good? Only if they ask you to do something that might kill you or will put you in danger.  However, it is the reason why I disobeyed you that you do not care to know or show. I was terrified of Portia. You would have to FORCE me to talk to her, but she was allowed to ignore me and glare at me as if I were some type of disease. Shouldn't that say enough? There is also no excuse that can validate her rudeness. It was extremely unnecessary. 

I know there is much more I could say about Portia, but my memory is failing me unfortunately. I just do not understand why she hates me. I do not hate her, but I do not like her either. You promised she would not take you away from me, yet she did. I thought she was really sweet, until she was not. You even said that if I did not like her, that I could tell you and you would not marry her. You asked me and Hope that question only on the first day of meeting her. One, I barely knew her. Two, I felt guilty at ten years old saying no. I thought if I said no, then I was taking away your opportunity to fall in love again. However, I realized too late that she was not who I thought she was. I tried to love her. I forced myself out of my comfort zone just to please her, whether that was by sitting on her lap or cuddling with her on the couch. You said she would like me if I did that. I was doing everything to keep her happy. When she was happy, you were happy. When she was upset, you were upset. I was tearing me apart to fit into her canvas. I thought that loving her meant loving you. I never wanted to tell you how I felt about Portia because I wanted to love her for you. You appeared so happy with her. I was willing to sacrifice my own happiness if it meant seeing you be happy, and I did. I took the pain for you. Portia never treated her own daughters the way she did me. I remember this one little girl running up to Portia, and I remember her being so thrilled to see the little girl. I always wondered why she was never thrilled to see me. Seeing me walk through her doors seemed like such a miserable thing for her. Why me? Why was I her opponent? Why did she treat me differently? Why was I so unlovable?

The fact is that I should have never had to feel like I had to make a sacrifice for you as a literal child. Yet, you suffer no guilt for having me make a sacrifice for you.

Portia wanted me gone, and you want what she wants. Therefore, I did not want to be selfish. You made up your mind on who you cherished more. As you have just read and hopefully have seen, Portia has not been great to me. She made me get a brush and scrub little smudges of paint off the concrete which would have easily washed away in the rain. She stood over me like a vulture, saying I missed a spot in the wickedest tone possible. Another time, she asked me a question from the other side of the bathroom door, but I thought it was my sister, so I told her to "hold on" in a rude way. When she opened the door to reveal it was her, I explained through many stutters that I thought she was Hope. I remember her just smiling while witnessing the pure fear in my eyes and voice. She knew she had power over me but go ahead. Defend her. Just like every other time you have. Take her side. Coddle her. She could punch me in the face, and I would have to apologize for being in the way. She could stab me, and I would have to apologize for getting blood on her hands. Choose her over Hope. Choose her over me. Set her on a throne. Tell everyone how great of a person she is. Stand by her always.

Remember that one time she accused you of cheating because her first husband did, or can I not talk about that?