Nine Shillings

Are You Going To Drink That?

London - 1842

Josef was hiding in a tavern, sitting in the darkest corner with his head in his hands and a tankard of ale in front of him. He could've been the world's best-dressed drunkard; half the tavern would follow him when he left to get the contents of his pockets.

I sat down opposite him. 'Me, following you? That's different.'

He lowered his arms. 'That one's going to stick to Bran.'

'It's Freyja's fault.'

He sighed. 'My conscience doesn't agree.'

'Would you have said anything if she hadn't worked her magic on you?'

'No.' He rubbed his face. 'It wasn't... I don't think that.'

I tapped my fingers against the tabletop, it was sticky and I decided not to think about why. 'Freyja said she played on your desires. The right pressure in the right place at the right moment and...' I flicked a crumb off the table. 'But the vagueness of desire is easily twisted.'

He turned the tankard so the handle was aligned with the edge of the table. 'So young, yet so wise.'

I inclined my head.

'I know I haven't been a good friend but I always try to be a good man.' He sighed. 'After such a long life it gets difficult, people seem... fleeting.'

I put my hand over his.

He squeezed my fingers. 'I can surround myself with people but I'm always alone. Then I met you.' He looked at me. 'There's no hiding from you.'

I caressed the back of his hand with my thumb.

We sat in silence listening to the people around us talk, laugh, and sing. An unseen piano was playing a bright, off-key tune I didn't recognise. The fire crackled. People's hearts beat fast and slow.

'This is immortality,' he said. 'In the world, but not of it.'

I slid him a sidelong look. 'You're morose today.'

'I humiliated my best friend and disgusted someone I love.' He peered into his drink and muttered, 'I think that grants me a right to be morose.'

'A powerful supernatural stuck their fingers in your brain and wiggled them about. It's not you that's disgusting,' I said, still stroking his hand. 'I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted. I was wrong. What do you want, Josef?'

'I want to be wanted for myself,' he whispered. 'I want to be argued with, kissed for no reason, and held with no expectation. I want to give love and be loved in return, honestly.' He sucked his teeth. 'Now you can laugh at The Mighty Saracen.' He took a gulp of ale and pulled a face. 'The vampire who gives other vampires nightmares wants a cuddle.'

I smiled. 'The Reaper is fond of a cuddle herself.'

'I spend my life pretending it doesn't matter. How can it matter? Everyone dies and I go on.'

'Bran's still here,' I said.

'Yes... That rather took me by surprise.' He turned my hand over and twisted my wedding band with his thumb. 'His will is stronger than he realises. Until you reminded me, I forgot I have no effect on him unless I try.'

I suppressed a smile. 'I may have noticed.'

He looked at me.

'I've seen him make you back down.'

He took his hand away from mine. 'I don't want to steal you from him.'

I tilted my head and frowned.

'I hope you don't choose one of us.'

'I see,' I murmured. 'And what do you think Bran would make of this?'

His expression was the most definitive 'nothing good' I'd ever seen.

'And what would this entail? I don't fancy having sex with two men at once, thank you very much.'

'Sex wouldn't be a requirement.'

I raised my eyebrows.

'I understand your desire for Bran comes under a very particular set of circumstances,' he said. 'I understand I may not meet these circumstances. I don't... As much as I desire you sexually, what I want most is your affection.'

I sat back and chewed my thumb joint thoughtfully. That was all Bran had ever wanted from me too. I stared at my wedding band wondering if discussing such a notion was a betrayal in itself, and yet I felt it was a discussion we needed to have.

'I do care for you, Josef.' I shifted forward, rested my elbows on the table. 'You can be arrogant, presumptive, and over-protective but your heart's in the right place, more than most can say.' I twisted my wedding band. 'I can see how this would solve some problems and make plenty more.'

He nodded.

'What if I never wanted to have sex with you?' I asked.

'I can get sex wherever I want. I'm not short of sex. Though it lacks what you and Bran have.' He touched his fingertips to the back of my hand. 'I don't want to make you do anything you don't want to. The way you look at me sometimes I wonder...' He sighed. 'You have looked at me in a way nobody has for a very long time.'

'What way?'

He shrugged and looked away.

I didn't know what I felt for Josef. I could play other people's emotions but my own were a half-painted canvas I had no idea how to finish. It seemed indecisive, I didn't like being indecisive.

I knew I loved Bran. I knew I would never betray him. I knew I would never leave him. That was not in question and never would be. I suspected if I didn't try to figure out what I felt for Josef I'd be doing their relationship more harm than good.

'I can't give you an answer, Sef,' I said. 'Not without discussing this with Bran.'

He nodded. 'That's as it should be.'

'And if we say no?' I asked.

'Then we carry on as we are and the matter is resolved either way.'

I nodded.

'Thank you,' he said.

'I haven't done anything.'

He smiled. 'I don't tell people these things. They are... too sensitive. Not simply because they can be used against me but because...'

'Once you take off the armour, someone can stab you in the heart.'

'Quite so.' He squeezed my hand. 'And I will try harder.'

'Try what?'

'Being less of an arrogant ass. Listening. Apologising.'

'You and I both have to work on those things but I have to get home before storytime.' I got up, cupped his face, and kissed his forehead. 'That's one time only. Be home before morning or Merry will worry about monsters eating you.'

He raised his tankard to hide his smile. 'One day you will make a great Coven Master.'

I gave him a look. 'I have one little boy, I don't need a coven full of them.'

Josef chuckled.