Weeping Angels

Part XI: Disgraced Confessions and Eye-Beaming The Beyond.

Silence followed.

The kind of silence that made Kettu wonder what Nina was thinking. He looked up at her from his mug of steaming espresso at her, and she offered a warm smile to him. Such a small token of emotion should have made him feel better, but it only served as a reminder of the other night, the gun, the bar, he felt guilty about every aspect of it.

Not just guilty, ashamed.

“Nina, I have to tell you something, and I’m not proud of it.” Kettu started, he saw that Nina’s eyes were trained on him with a great deal of concern. He sighed, lowering his gaze, summoning up every ounce of courage that he could muster up from the pits of his stomach. He winced, lowering his gaze. “I… tried to kill myself again.” The words came with great labour, and he swallowed a hard lump in his throat. “I had an old gun in my apartment and tried to shoot myself.” Nina continued to stare at him, her expression unreadable. Kettu felt like his heart was trying to tear its way out of his chest. He looked away, an overwhelming feeling of shame coming over him, forcing him to fight back tears. “I know I have a real problem here, and I need help.”

A tense silence overtook them, and Kettu could not bring himself to look at Nina. He had never felt so terrible in all his life. First the kiss, which was confusing as it was exciting, and then feeling the inexplicable need to confess his latest suicide attempt. He felt like he was drowning in a sea of mixed emotions, without any hope of rescue. Sighing, the guitarist lowered his head and closed his eyes, and after a short moment, felt Nina’s hand on his own.

“Thank you for telling me.” Nina said softly. Kettu looked at her, perplexed. “It takes a lot of courage to admit that you need help, Kettu. It may not seem like it, but you’ve already made a great leap forward.”

“I can’t even trust myself with my own life these days, how is that progress?”

“You said yourself that you weren’t proud of your actions, which tells me you show some degree of shame in trying to commit suicide.” Nina said quietly, “You may not know it, Kettu, but somewhere deep inside you, there’s a person who wants to live, and that person wants to get better.”

He sighed and looked up at Nina,

“So where do we go from here?” Kettu asked. Such a seemingly small question but one with endless answers. Nina withdrew her hand and gave a sly grin.

“Follow me.”

They had been walking for over an hour, through city streets and through fields of fallen leaves all without a word spoken between the two of them aside from Kettu asking where they were going and Nina replying, “you’ll see.” Somehow, his untrusting side felt like he was being led into a trap of some kind, like there were going to be psychologists and men with a strait jacket awaiting his arrival so that they could lock him away.

But Nina wouldn’t do that. Would she?

She seemed fairly intent on saving his life, and he dismissed that she was the type that was about to give up on him and dump him off on some psychiatric institution.

He could see Nina looking over at him, a warm smile on her face. Kettu found himself smiling back at her and admiring how beautiful she looked. How her clean clothes and hair made her a completely different person than the paint-covered artist that he had met on the bridge that night, and how her smile was so contagious and genial. He found himself gazing at her affectionately, and moved his gaze to the ground.

Ben was right. Kettu realized. Things had gotten complicated.

He found himself wondering if Nina was like this with everyone. Was she always kind and affectionate to people? Was she just naturally flirtatious?

Snap out of it, Kettu. He thought to himself, he saw no point in continuing to psychoanalyze the girl who walked by his side, especially when he knew so little about her. The very thought that he was falling for her was equally as ridiculous, based on the same reasoning. Not only that, but such feelings seemed hopeless.

“We’re here.” Nina pointed. Kettu followed her pointing finger to a rustic wooden and wrought iron park bench, smattered with crimson and golden leaves. Kettu looked to her in confusion.

“A bench?” Kettu asked contemptuously, an eyebrow raised.

“Sit.” Nina commanded. He did as he was told without hesitation or question, and Nina joined him on the bench. He could feel his heartbeat increase as he could feel her body heat next to his. He sharply inhaled and hoped that Nina couldn’t see him blushing.

“Look out there.” She said, pointing, “Tell me what you see.”

Kettu looked in the direction of Nina’s pointing finger. He saw the sun setting in the western sky.

“A sunset.” Kettu said matter-of-factly.

“Look harder.” Nina said in a commanding tone. Kettu sighed, and looked again, staring out at the setting sun for what seemed like an eternity.

“I don’t see anything.” Kettu said, giving up.

“That’s just it.” Nina said, “You look but you do not see.”

“What does that mean?”

“Take a look at this sunset, and you see a sunset. What I’m going to teach you is how to look, and see, the beauty in every day life, it can be used anywhere, and it’s amazing what you see when you’re eye-beaming the beyond.”

“Eye-beaming the beyond?” Kettu raised an eyebrow.

“It’s what I call it. Some call it ‘living in the moment,’ and, well, there’s a lot of names for it, but that’s not the point. The point is I want you to truly open your eyes to the world around you, become fully aware of your surroundings, and become in harmony with them all.”

“So how do I do it?”

“You look for the beauty in things. The shapes of the clouds, the colours of nature, the feeling of the air on your skin.”

“That sounds like something an artist would say.” Kettu offered a smile. Nina gave a grin back to him

“Oh be quiet, you. Now look at the sunset and see it, don’t analyze.”

Kettu sighed, looking out at the setting sun, and almost instantly saw how the burning yellows gave way to milky hues of oranges that stretched high into the atmosphere before yielding their way to sharp shades of red and violet, which all reflected softly off the clouds. The light was slowly burning away like a dying candle, yielding a way for the night.

And the autumn winds blew. The smells within them were pleasant and natural, and took him back to a time where he used to read books under an old maple tree, when times were equally as tumultuous, but much more innocent. He closed his eyes and remembered those feelings, and couldn’t help but smile.

“You did it, huh?” Nina beamed.

“Yeah, and felt it.” Kettu nodded, opening his eyes once again and looking toward her.

“So how does it feel to see that kind of beauty?” She asked.

“I already do, in you.” Kettu blurted out.

He found himself blushing immediately, and looking down at his worn boots. He clenched his teeth. How could have he been so stupid and let his guard down? His thoughts scrambled, what did she think? Was she mortified? Upset? Happy? All were possibilities and all were equally terrifying.

“I-I’m sorry, that was cheesy.” Kettu stammered, rubbing the back of his head nervously.

“It’s no big deal.” She giggled.

No big deal?