My Mind Is My Enemy

Chapter 2

Sitting in the hospital waiting room made me realize one thing; when something doesn't feel right, your intuition is right. Energy does not lie.

We sat in the hospital room for almost an hour when a doctor finally came to us. He had on a surgical mask and a white coat over his scrubs. Alexis stood next to me with the baby bag in her hand and anticipation to welcome her baby brother into the family. I stood next her trying my hardest to feel how she felt but I couldn't. Even though I couldn't see his face, the rest of his body told me all I needed to know. The look in his eyes, the way his arms hanged low like an anchor was pulling them down and his shoulders slumped.

"I'm sorry." Is all he had to say. He knew that I already knew. He read me so easily because I wore my emotions on my sleeves. Alexis looked from me to the doctor; Confusion evident on her face.

"We tried to save them both but unfortunately your mother's heart gave out while trying to push him out. We spoke to her about the risks and opted that we do a C-section instead but she refused to. So we respected her wishes but when her blood pressure rocketed we knew what was to follow. We couldn't move her to the OR even if we wanted to because your brother's head was crowning. By the time we would have gotten to the OR, half of his face would have been out but your mother would have stopped pushing because she would have suffered a stroke. We already knew the outcome of the situation when her blood pressure rocketed, it was her last push and we had hoped that the baby would slide right out but he didn't. Your mom collaped on the bed and her heart monitor flat lined. Your brother still had a faint pulse so we tried to get him out of there as soon as we could. We managed to get him out but he didn't cry, for several minutes we worked on getting him to take his first breath but he didn't. I'm so sorry for your losses." He said with tears in his eyes.

As he told the story I was still in shock so I didn't react at all. I stood there looking into space, having no sense of time. Feeling disconnected from reality. The tears fell but I felt nothing. I looked at Alexis and she had a hand over her mouth, the baby bag neglected on the floor. We made eye contact and we both knew one thing, our mother was gone. I pulled her into me and held her tightly; afraid that she might leave too. She cried in my arms and I in hers. The doctor left to give us some privacy but I wanted him to stay. I wanted him to comfort us, I wanted him to tell us that everything was going to be okay.

"I feel like I'm in hell." Alexis said to me. I looked at her, her eyes red and swollen from crying. I understood what she meant. Though hell is a perception of the mind, I too was in that mind state. She took the baby bag and hugged it allowing it to bring her some kind of comfort.

I looked at the bag with so much hatred in my eyes. If it wasn't for him, my mother would've still been alive. If it wasn't for his father, my mother would've still been alive. Even though I haven't met them, I had a great sense of hatred towards them. They took my mother away from me. They've deprived me of watching my mother grow old with grey hairs, wrinkly skin, probably no teeth, struggling to walk. They've robbed me of the chance to help my mother in her old ages as she did me in my young ages. They took her away from me and that is something I'll never forgive them for.