My Mind Is My Enemy

Chapter 4

I was leaned over my plate of food with my  hoodie over my head and my hair covering the sides of my face. We were all seated at the dining table eating Tai food that Viliar ordered. She wasn't a good cook but she wasn't a terrible one either; she just hated cooking.

"Can we say grace?" I heard Viliar ask. I knew she was talking to me because she always used a certain tone when talking to me. Not sharp but not gentle either; more like she was walking on eggshells but using a stern tone. She spoke to Alexis like a little baby just how my mother used to do which I found kind of bittersweet.

I placed both my hand on either side of the table, warm hands held my cold ones. I looked up to see Alexis holding my left hand and Viliar holding my right. Baron was seated opposite me. Viliar blessed the food but also prayed over my mother, my brother and all the people that are starving in the world. She ended the prayer with an 'amen' that Baron and Alexis repeated after but I remained silent. I wasn't a Christian, I just did what I had to do in her household but I wasn't religious.

The dinners usually went by with a few questions and topics arising which I hardly participated in, one being because they were boring and two being that they often revolved around school and how we're finding the community.

School here wasn't as different as our previous school except that everyone knew what happened to our mother and her son. Alexis made new friends on the first day but it was a little difficult for me. I didn't have the energy to make new friends let alone think about it. Everything felt kind of foggy and confusing but as time went on it got better. I made a new friend; Cain and I met in art class. We sat next to one another and I guess catching a glimpse of each other's artwork created a bond between us.

We hung out everyday at lunch and sometimes we chilled at his house after school. There was a day when his mom decided to drop me home and Viliar and Baron were standing outside upon our arrival. They looked between Cain and I and we both started defending that there was nothing happening between us. Cain was permanently in the friendzone and he was aware of it. Viliar and Baron weren't very convinced so his mom came up with the idea that we chill with our room doors open. I didn't protest because I knew that there was nothing to hide.

I haven't thought about relationships since mom passed away. I had only ever been in one relationship when she was alive. Tracy was non-binary and my mom loved that about them. She once explained why she loved non-binary people but I wasn't listening when she was rambling about it. Tracy disliked their name so they went by Trace; though sometimes 'Tracy' would slip out whenever we had an argument. Trace was very closed off; they never opened up unless they was asked. Vulnerability was foreign to them but after a few weeks they started showing their vulnerable side which I was proud of myself for making them feel safe around me. I wouldn't call our relationship a relationship. It was more of a void that both of us were filling for one another which is why it ended with us just drifting away from each other. We stopped calling each other, stopped texting, stopped visiting one another. It turned into a hi-bye relationship with no beef. It was a mutual feeling and that made Helana a bit upset. She said that she was rooting for us but we disappointed her which made the whole situation a little funnier.

I had no intention of getting into a relationship knowing that I wouldn't be emotionally available for my partner. I couldn't be emotionally available for myself sometimes. Alexis and I did speak to a therapist after the passings but it didn't help me. Mostly because I was still in shock and hadn't really processed it so it was difficult expressing how I felt to a stranger. The therapist said that I should give myself time to grieve and to be gentle to myself. I took her words and threw them out the window as she said them to me. I had no interest in someone telling me what I should and shouldn't do during that time. I hated everything and everyone breathing during that time but after a year it was easier to let her words sink in. Most days were hard but I covered them up with a mask that I wore everyday. A mask that I knew my mom would recognise.