My Mind Is My Enemy

Chapter 11

Alexis was quiet for a whole week. She hadn't said anything to me about what we had spoke about. I was on edge; everytime I'd see Viliar or Baron I'd panick inside. Awaiting for either of them to do a drug test on me. I wanted to stop taking the pills but the withdrawal symptoms were hell, those two days felt like months of torture. So I had no choice but to get on them again.

Xian, Cain and I were chilling in Xian's room with home baked scones made by gran Parlie. I saw how it made Xian uncomfortable that gran Parlie always offered us home made snacks but I didn't bring it up.

"If you were to go back in time, what would you change?" Xian asked. Xian was on his bed laying on his back with his head hanging over the edge facing me. I was on the floor with gran Parlie's scones and Cain was on an office chair that was by Xian's study desk reading an old magazine that he found under Xian's bed.

"I never wanna go back in time." I stated. I took a bite of the scone and internally moaned at the taste. One things for sure, gran Parlie's dough mixure was perfect, the scones came out soft, sweet and golden crispy. I think if Xian and I were to ever have a fallout I'd definitely come over just for gran Parlie's home baked cookies and scones.

"Hypothetically Rey." He added.

"I don't even think about that at all." I said looking at him. I looked to Cain, he was still reading the magazine paying no attention to our conversation.

"Why? I have so many things I'd change about my past." Xian said sitting up from his position. He layed on his stomach still facing me. I took another bite of the scone, "Good for you, I don't ever want to go back."

"Because of your mom?" Cain spoke. I looked at him keeping my gaze on him. That was one of the things I'd change about my past but I don't spend time thinking about things I know I can't change."No... because everyday that passes I get closer to my death." I replied honestly. Xain let out a laugh in disbelief. "That's fucked up."

"She ain't lying though." Cain said. I looked at him and he put the magazine on Xian's desk. He pointed to the plate of scones and I passed it to him. He took a bite of one and smiled. "These are good."

"That's still fucked up. Who even thinks about that?" Xian asked. I looked at him and I was a bit offended because I'm one person who thinks about death. As time goes on you get closer to your death day and that will always remain a fact. A fact that most people are oblivious to. He had his eyes on me waiting for an answer. He knew that I was talking about myself but he wanted me to voice it. "People who are not afraid of death... people who want to die." I gave him his answer.

"So you want to die?" He asked.

"Most days."

Silence filled the room. The energy in the room was tense. One of their friend was suicidal and what made it worse was that I voiced it.  That I told them that I actually do want to die and that there was a possibility that I might attempt to. I felt small, vulnerable like they were stripping me naked. I was afraid that they would be so concerned that they would tell Viliar and Baron and they'd send me to a psychiatric hospital.

"I can relate." Cain said with his head down. I felt a bit relieved that they wouldn't report me but I also felt some kind of comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one feeling that way.

"You're suicidal too?" Xian questioned with a confused look. The perfect Xian that everyone was talking about was showing and that's when I realized he was hiding something. Like he also felt how we felt but was pretending he didn't.

"Yeah. And the only reason why I'm pushing on is because I don't want to hurt my mom. I don't want to leave her in a state of no return." Cain explained. I undertood what he meant. I felt the exact same way because I don't want to leave Alexis; I'm all she has. I feel how much she loves me and I sometimes feel bad for not reciprocating and showing her how much I love her.

"I've always been afraid to be vulnerable and open up to people. To speak my truth. I'm not who everyone thinks I am. Not even you guys." Xian said. Cain and I looked at each other then back at Xian waiting for him to continue.

"The reason why I'm able to get these drugs is because I'm a drug dealer. I lied to y'all that I buy them from a drug dealer, I'm actually the drug dealer. I work for someone and the money you give me is to pay for the pills you take. I'm not part of a gang or anything I'm just a drug dealer" He continued. I looked at this man who sat across from me. He lied to our faces and acted like he was a civilized man. He roams around the communty knowing that he is a criminal. But who am I to judge, I too am a criminal because I take illegal substances. I buy from him so that means I contribute to his illegal activities.

""I have tattoos that nobody knows about. I do drugs and y'all are the only ones that know about. Most nights I go to the strip club for sexual pleasure. I hate church and the religion as a whole but I go to church to please grandma." He continued. I smiled at him because I was proud of him for opening up and being honest with us and for trusting us.

"I'm not gonna judge you." Cain said.

"Same." I replied after. He nodded with a big smile on his face. We created a space where whatever we talk about stays between us unless one of us is in grave danger.

"Let's take off the masks that we wear everyday to please others and make others feel comfortable around us. Let's just be us and fuck everyone else. Fuck society, fuck the government, fuck expectations, fuck human nature." Xian said with confidence in his tone like he was protesting.

"Human nature?" I questioned.

"Yeah. We're not human. That's just a name we were given because we fall under a certain category. I don't fall under any catergory. I'm just me, Xain." He said with his chest high. I laughed at his exaggerated gesture.

"Then if not then why do you call yourself Xian." Cain asked as he took a bite of the last scone.

"Because that's the name I was given."

"Exactly! You were given that name so why don't you just give yourself a name. A name you solely choose for yourself." Cain exclaimed. I looked between the two knowing that they had lost their minds. There was no way they were taking this seriously.

"That's smart. You're smart." Xian said pointing at Cain with a big smile on his face. I laughed at them because I knew that they were high.

"Y'all are high off these drugs....speaking of do you have psychedelics here?" I asked Xian. The laughter died so fast that the silence was deafening. Cain and Xain looked at each other when they realized I was being serious.

"Are you sure you wanna mess with those?" Xian questioned. I nodded. "Yeah. I'll be careful." I pleaded because he had an a look that he wasn't sure whether to give me some or not. He hesitated before he got up and walked over to a duffle bag that was in his closet. He pulled out his clothes that were used as a cover up encase his grandma were to come up and snoop into his things. He then pulled out a large ziploc bag that contained different baggies with different substances inside. He pulled out 2 mini bags that had 3 pills each. He put everything back into the duffle bag and threw the duffle bag back into his closet.

"Don't give her those." Clain said stopping Xian from handing me the pills.

"Why?" I asked in frustration.

"She's trying to kill herself." I looked at him with nothing to say. If I wanted to kill myself I would've by now and I know that six pills wouldn't have killed me even if I tried to.

"He doesn't know what he's talking about." I said getting up. I wanted to leave because I started feeling slightly annoyed at Cain.

"I swear that's not my intention at all. I promise." I said to Xian ignoring Cain's presence. Xian nodded his head. "If you overdose Rey I will never ever forgive you. Ever. Neither will Alexis." He said handing me the pills. I knew that I wasn't going to overdose so him saying that went over my head. I was just elated that he gave me the pills and he didn't ask me to pay for them.

"You not gonna ask what they are?" He asked. I shook my head as I exited the room.

"I don't really care."