My Mind Is My Enemy

Chapter 18

I spent the last 6 days researching on therapy sessions. The questions they ask, especially the difficult questions. Some made me anxious and some almost made me call Skylar to tell her that the whole deal was off. If she wanted to cut me off she was welcome to do so. The thought of losing her was unpleasant so I continued doing research. How to sit appropriately and how to answer questions. I read up on all the mental illnesses I could possibly get diagnosed with; some sounded absurd.

I started feeling a little lighter that I could share what I have been feeling without any judgment. I could do so with Skylar right by my side. Going to therapy with relatives seemed tougher than going with a friend because with relatives they'd judge you, they've known you since you were a little child and they watched you grow. They've already painted a picture of who you are in their head. If I were to deeply open up about who I am and how I felt, I bet they would make comments such as "You're not like that Rey." Or "What do you mean? You know that we love you." Or "How come you didn't tell us?"

I'm so very grateful that they won't be present. Even though I was a bit anxious to open up in front of Sky, I still felt like there was a safety net right below me so that if I did slip and fall I knew that I wouldn't hit a hard surface.

After getting dressed I pulled myself together. Mentally preparing for the session that would take place in an hour. Sky had agreed to pick me up from home. Viliar was still at work but Baron and Alexis were present, both staring at me with smiles plastered on their faces as I waited for Sky.

I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge encase I got dehydrated from the perspiration that might form on my skin. Alexis had told Viliar and Baron about the therapy session that was arranged for Sky and I. I have accepted that my little sister will tell everything about me to Vilair and Baron. I've come to terms that it would be very hard for me to trust her again. I've decided to not share anything personal with her, not make any phone calls in front of her and probably not even breathe in front of her... let's hope it doesn't get to that point.

"I'm so proud of you Rey." Baron said with the biggest smile on his face. He held his arms out for a hug and I awkardly but reluctantly embraced him. Alexis watched from the side line with a smile. We heard a hoot outside and I was quite relieved that Sky was here. Probably avoided a thousand questions or advices I would've gotten from Baron.

"Okay I'm out. Wish me luck uncle!" I said walking towards the door. Okay I didn't mean to say that, it just slipped out. With my hand on the door handle I heard Baron say, "Did she just call me uncle? Haven't heard her say that since she was a kid." His voice held so much delight and disbelief. It warmed my heart that I got to make him feel seen.

********************

"You ready?" Sky asked as she prepared her laptop and two chair in front of her desk. The whole ride here I could hear and feel my heartbeat in my ears, eyes, neck, stomach and even my toes. I felt like I was about to die. I had to bite my tongue to avoid asking Sky for a gummy; just to get there high and not really feel my emotions during that session but what would be the whole point? So I just kept my mouth shut and continued being paranoid.

I took a seat in front of her laptop. I started feeling hot even though it was evening time and it was quite chilly. "You're feeling hot?" Sky asked as I threw my hoodie onto her bed. I nodded and she just smiled. She took a seat next to me and looked into my eyes. I looked away feeling intimidated by her green eyes.

"It's going to be okay. I'm right here." She said softly. I looked back at her and I felt a warm feeling wash over me. I looked down at her lips then back up to her eyes and I saw her do the same. We broke eye contact when the Skype call displayed on the screen. We adjusted ourselves and when Sky clicked answer I took a deep breath.