How To Kill Ryder Blake (COMPLETED)

{NINETEEN} How To Love

I think deep down I believed that Ryder was going to miraculously wake up one day fully cured of cancer.

That couldn't be furthest from the reality that continued to set in with each day that came and passed. Ryder wasn't getting worse by the minute, the life slowly draining from his eyes. His list had been put on back burner for a little over a week as Ryan refused to help him do anything and was picking up extra shifts because he couldn't stand to be around Ryder longer than a few minutes.

"I want you to drive up to the beach." Ryder said in the middle of July, a couple weeks after our trip to the cemetery had knocked him on his ass. "You guys need to cliff dive for me. Plus it'll knock like three things off the list at ones. LA, cliff diving, and skinny dipping."

I glanced up from the paperwork of all the medications my mother had insisted I try to sit down and explain to Ryder, eyebrows raised. "Ry, you can barely walk."

"I'm not going." he grumbled. "I'm going to stay in the guest room at your house so your mom and sister and can keep an eye on me while you guys are gone."

I gasped, feigning disgust, "You expect me to spend more than a couple hours with Ryan alone?"

"You act like I don't see you two mentally undressing each other whenever you're in the same room. Or know that you've been sleeping in the same bed for two weeks." he eyed me knowingly. "But it won't be alone anyway, because I want you to invite your friends and Cade to go with you guys. I know that this list was supposed to be for me, Zoey, but it's also a great way for you to spend some more time with them before you guys head your separate ways."

That warmed my heart in a way I didn't like and I set the papers down on the nightstand before kicking my feet up on to the bed beside him.

"It's scary." I eventually whispered.

He tore his eyes from the TV screen and looked at me. "What? The movie?"

"No, watching you just. . ." I trailed off, unable to explain it without a knot forming in the back of my throat.

He dropped his head, but his hand found mine and he squeezed it. "I know. I was on your side once too. Watching my mom become this. . . this scared little girl after spending so many years admiring the strong woman she was."

"You can still get help, Ryder. My mom—"

"I need you to be ok with this decision, Zoey." he touched the back of his hand to my cheek. "Because when I pass, I don't want you to feel as though you could have done more. That you could have forced me to go through treatment. This is my choice, I would rather live in this agonizing pain than be numbed to a point that I have no recollection of anything."

I sighed. "I'm not ready, Ryder."

"Neither am I." he retorted immediately. "But we need to start considering the reality of everything. And you're the only person I can rely on to ensure everything is as I want it to be once I'm gone."

"Ryder, please, I can't—"

He met my eyes, and though they were still guarded, I could see the faintest of fear in them.

"I need you, Zoey. But more importantly Ryan will. You're the strongest person I know and I need you to use that strength right about now."

I shook my head, attempting to touch my hand to his frail shoulder, but he pushed my hand away and whispered, "I want to get some sleep."