How To Kill Ryder Blake (COMPLETED)

{Epilogue} The Only Thing We Have To Fear

Six Years Later

I had spent the last seventy-two hours setting up this party, and somehow, I felt it still wasn't enough time. Six years and I still couldn't get it right.

Ryan and I had promised to host a party on the anniversary of Ryder's death every year. It was a celebration of the awesome life he lived and the best way to be able to carry on his legacy.

Only, even with over a hundred of people in and out of the house, I found myself sitting on the porch swing out bag, away from the commotion and chaos that was inside the house. Ryan had always been better at these things, the parties, the people, the hosting. Even when it was just the small lot of us who truly knew Ryder, I hadn't been able to sit through more than a half hour of small talk without excusing myself to my room.

Having a newborn did a number on my already fragile psyche today, as my sleep deprivation had me to a point I was starting to hallucinate off and on all day. Every time I'd glance up from setting a table or pouring a chip bag in a bowl, I swear I saw Ryder leaning against a piece of furniture and shaking his head in amusement at my desperate attempt to host an unforgettable party.

"Hey, Zo." I lifted my head a little and snuck a quick glance at Max poking his head out the sliding glass door. His expression fell seeing my expression and he threw a quick look over his shoulder before stepping out and shutting the door behind him. "Are you okay?"

The swing creaked a little as he joined me, his eyes still narrowed in concern.

"Just exhausted." I breathed. "River has been keeping me up all hours of the night. Plus, today's just. . . it's just hard for me."

"That's why I keep telling Gabby I'm not ready." he said with a small smile. "I'll have to snap a picture of you in all your tired glory and send it to her."

I smiled at the joke, and nudged him gently before resting my head against his shoulder. "It's great though, Max. Knowing that you created this little person. This. . . this beautiful soul that's going to make a difference one day."

"Ryan was telling me that inside." Max said through a sigh. "Then River threw up on him and I checked out."

I shook my head and laughed, feeling his arm lift and drape over my shoulder so he could hug me tighter against him.

"I used to have this perfect life planned for the three of us, you know." Max confessed. "We'd all go to the same college, have a kick ass experience there, then we'd buy a mansion and we'd all live there together."

I turned and eyed him. "That's a very fantastical and unrealistic idea, Max."

"Have you met me?"

"You're such an idiot." I huffed.

He was quiet for a second before he whispered, "Zoey, you know its okay to ask for some help right? You have an entire support system ready and waiting to be at your side. Just say the word. You don't have to do all of this alone. You don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders."

I bowed my head slightly, feeling both irritated and a little happy that he still had the ability to read me so well.

"Do you know me?" I retorted, looking to him again. "I don't ask for help. I don't vent. I can't. Because I know that other people are carrying just as big, if not bigger, burdens that I am and I don't want to throw my emotional baggage on them too."

"Zo, we love you. We understand." Max immediately replied. "But its because we love you that we hate seeing you like this. You're overwhelmed, sleep deprived, emotional. I know Ryan helps as best as he can, but you need to understand its okay to ask for more help. Nobody is going to try and sit and compare their own issues to yours, stop thinking that."

I averted my eyes from Max and looked out over the lawn, taking the faint image of Ryder as my cue to head back inside and do just as my best friend had encouraged-find some help so I could get some rest. Except, when I stood and turned to Max, I saw that he'd followed my gaze and was staring at Ryder leaning against the tree. Almost as if he could see him too.

"You know, I bet he's here with us tonight." Max commented, joining me in front of the door.

I smiled at that, because I knew, without a doubt, he was.

*

My mom and Kat decided to spend the next few days at the house to help with River. It'd been a very emotional mess standing in my bedroom trying to explain to them how I was feeling, but the moment I did they both started crying too and made sure I understood they were there for however long I needed it. It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders by the time I laid down in my bed.

Ryan stayed up for a couple hours after the party was over to clean most of the mess so we wouldn't have to in the morning. By the time he'd walked out of our bathroom and stirred me awake, in nothing but a towel around his abdomen, I'd already gotten a couple hours of sleep.

"Dammit, did I wake you?" he asked, crossing the room to our dresser.

"No." I lied, rolling over on to my side so I was looking at him. "I'm sorry I didn't help clean up."

He shook his head as he threw on a pair of boxers. "Babe, no. I saw how exhausted you were. Don't worry about it. Max and Cade stayed to help out. It's all good."

"I miss him." the words escaped quickly and I hoped they'd been quiet enough he didn't hear them. Unfortunately the room was quiet without River's whimpers and cooing, and he heard every word. He didn't respond until he'd climbed into bed beside me and turned in my direction.

"Yeah, I do too."

I knew he did. I saw it every day. Though most days he was able to keep it buried pretty well, sometimes I saw a flicker of sadness in his eyes when he heard a song or saw something that reminded him of Ryder.

"Do you think we'll see him again?" I questioned. "Like, wherever it is we go when we die, do you think he'll be there?"

"I like to think so." he answered, a sad smile forming. "He's probably laughing his ass off hearing this conversation. I can just hear him telling us we can't escape him that easily."

I smiled myself at the comment; it sounded very much like something Ryder would say.

Ryan reached over my head to shut the lamp off, kissed me on his way back down, then wrapped his arms around me and was asleep within minutes of his head hitting the pillow. I rolled over and stared at the picture of the three of us we kept in a small frame on the nightstand from his last summer.

I suppose as hard as I tried, I wouldn't be able to shake the grief that washed over me at all the most inappropriate times. I wouldn't forget the way the life slowly slipped from Ryder Blake day by day that summer.

But I also couldn't forget the way I saw Ryder in Ryan every day. The way I saw him in my son. I liked to think that Ryder had sent River before Ryan and me had even known we were ready for him. That our little boy had the best guardian angel watching over him to ensure he didn't do all the same dumb stuff he did.

Extending a hand, I brushed my knuckle against Ryder in the photo, and for the first time in years, I felt at ease. I was finally ready to let him go.

I was ready to say goodbye.