How To Kill Ryder Blake (COMPLETED)

{Twenty} I'm Not Okay

The car was eerie silent, and I'd like to blame the giant elephant in it for that.

Given that Cade was the only one with a car big enough to fit all five of us, it'd been his SUV that we packed everything into a little after four in the morning. I had quite literally had to drag Ryan out of my guest room with reassurance that my mother was there and more than experienced in helping Ryder. We would only be gone a day, nothing would happen.

Gabby and Max must have still been tired because they were out in the back beside me not even a half hour on the road. Gabby's head was against Max's shoulder, her mouth open slightly, hair tickling his nose every few minutes. Eventually he rested his own head against hers and succumbed to the sleep I so desperately needed.

It'd been three days since Ryder had revealed his intentions behind all of this, and though it'd been a shock, it hadn't changed anything. I still laid beside Ryan most nights, occasionally finding myself wandering across the hall to curl up in Ryder's bed and holding him as he sobbed. The life in his eyes continued to fade, replaced with agony and pain. Mom had tried to talk to me about the inevitable that was to come, but I'd refused to stand and listen. I refused to accept the reality of all of this.

Ryder couldn't die. He wouldn't just be a corpse rotting in the ground at the cemetery. He was going to get through this, just like he got through everything.

"You good?" the quiet voice startled me and I jumped in my seat a little. I lifted my head slowly to meet Cade's dark eyes in the rearview mirror. I blinked, touching at my damp cheeks-I hadn't even realized I was crying.

"Yeah." I whispered. It wouldn't do anybody in this car good to talk about the elephant prancing around.

Cade remained quiet for a while before he finally said, "He's not going to go out without a fight, you know that, right?"

A quiet sob broke past my lips at the comment, but I nodded slowly. I knew he was right. That was the one thing that could be promised.

Ryder wouldn't stop fighting until there wasn't any fight left in him.

**

By the time night rolled around, Cade, Gabby, and Max had headed off to join a party on the other side of the beach. Ryan sat on the sand, not even bothering to use the red towel I'd thrown down for him, his hands in his dark hair, head bowed a fraction. I had decided to leave him be for a bit, because I didn't quite know what to say or because I thought he needed time to process stuff on his own, I wasn't sure. But he eventually glanced around us, as if he were just realizing my friends had ditched us, then looked at me in surprise. "Why didn't you go with them?"

"Because they don't need me." I whispered, grabbing a handful of sand and watching it slip through my fingers. "You do."

"You can't put your life on hold for me, Zoey."

I shot him a weary look. "It's not just about you, Ryan."

"What do you expect to do when. . . when. . ." he trailed off, but he didn't need to finish the question anyway. I got the point and I hated the question.

"I don't know."

He made a gesture at the deserted beach around us, "You're not staying there. You're not going to pass up UCLA to stick around and watch me wallow in my depression."

"I'm not going to go to UCLA and fail every class because I'm thinking about you and the promise I made to your brother every second of every Goddamn day, Ryan. Get over yourself."