solo / carlos sainz

thirteen

"Malik, he and I are mates...and one day, he was talking about his sister and how she worked for this girl named Mara. Once I figured out that Mara was you, I started asking about his sister and what she was up to."

"I knew you'd be in Portugal. Malik told me. He didn't know about us...just that his sister would be moving to Madrid with her boss and that she'd go to Portugal with you for a shoot and that I should keep an eye out for her when she got back."

I'm still crying, more now than before, but Carlos doesn't stop. He's crying as well, forcing himself to explain everything on the floor of my closet with a pair of my boots sitting between us like a barrier I'm not sure I want there.

"And then I asked where she'd be in Portugal. He told me. And I booked the first flight to Portugal and had a plan to find you in the morning, before you started your work...but I was scared. So I didn't."

The pieces are starting to come together now. "And then Elsie found you."

He scrubs a hand over his face, his breathing ragged. "I didn't realise it, who she was when she went past. I just saw a little girl too close to a pool's edge and I...I thought about you. And I thought, 'Okay, I didn't do it. I didn't go to Mara but I can help this little girl and make sure she's okay. I can do that.'"

Oh my god.

Carlos bites the inside of his cheek. A slow tear rolls down his face. He doesn't move to wipe it away. "And then you walked up. And you were so good at being a mother. Solo, all on your own. And I realised that I couldn't just...tell you. I couldn't just uproot you and Elsie when you seemed to have it all figured out."

"But I'm a selfish person and I couldn't let you go again."

I reach for his hand, my fingers grazing his where they're gripping the carpet.

"Caco knew. About all of it. So when I walked in last night, I thought he was there to hurry me."

He'd been angry because of that?

"I never meant to keep this a secret from you, Mara, never. But when those photos came out and I got called to that dinner, I knew I'd have to tell you sooner than later."

It hits me then, all the little things he'd done since meeting me for what I'd thought was the first time.

The way he hadn't pulled away when Elsie grabbed at him in Portugal.

The way he so easily gave me his number because I'd given him mine all those years ago.

The way he'd defended me against Elsie's headmistress.

The way he'd walked with us to get ice cream when, in reality, he had no business doing so.

The way he'd instinctually started to go after Elsie when she'd run off into the shop.

The way he hadn't judged me when Elsie had started to fall into a tantrum.

The way he'd helped me through the night.

The way he'd taken over with Elsie when I'd been too absorbed to notice what she needed this morning.

All those little things were things I'd expect a father would do.

"Okay," I whisper, fingers turning his hand until they're interlocked with his. Carlos looks at me fully then. "It's okay to be selfish...you have a right to."

We sit there for what feels like hours but can't be more than a few minutes, not speaking, just being there together.

Elsie's show is loud enough to hear through the walls, the happy singing tune of the opening credits telling me she's begun another episode. And it's stupid, but I try to think of what the parents of that show would do. How they'd take the next step.

"I want to talk about this more. I do...but right now, we need to go to this meeting and work on fixing things because there are people on the internet saying things about you and me and Elsie that are...awful. And it's a parent's job to fix those kinds of things."

I'm handing him an opportunity to step away if he wants it. He could decide not to own this and put out a press release denying everything and...I'd let him. I've been a single mum for five years. I've been on my own for four.

I don't need to make this a double act, I don't need to bring a father figure into Elsie's life. But I'd like to. I want to. Want and need become such different things when you are a parent. It's no longer just about you and your ego. You have to think about your child and their future, their wellness and upbringing. It's Elsie first, everything else second.

Carlos nods, slowly letting go of my hand so he can push himself up off his knees and to a stand. His hand comes down to help me up, only letting go when I lean down to put on the boots Amira had handed me.

When I stand back up, I take his hand and give it a squeeze. "We'll take care of this together, yeah?"

"Yeah."