Ang Aming Tagpuan sa Aking Panaginip
Colorful.
A bench good for two people, built on a mountain far from the cities. It is surrounded by trees and flowers. You can clearly see the beauty of the city here once the fog disappears, it's one of the best scenery to watch.
I had been sitting here for quite a long time and I don't know how I went here, I don't know why I was here. Why am I still here?
Maybe because, I was waiting for you to come back, even I asked you to stay away from me.
I am painfully looking at the sunset every time, memories of your broken promises and the happiest moments we had started to relapse on my mind.
I didn't expect that the person who was once part of my happiness become the reason why I am drown in sadness.
"Andito na ulit ako. Pasensya na kung natagalan ako ha?"
You're always late. What do I expect? Tsaka ka lang naman dumadating kapag tapos na, kapag huli na. Hindi ko alam kung masyado ka bang busy para hindi tingnan ang orasan o sadyang naiwala mo lang ang sarili mo sa gitna ng oras.
I didn't respond, I couldn't even look at him, because I know, the moment I meet his gaze, I couldn't take my eyes off him anymore.
"Why are you here again? You're not supposed to be here." I said. I want to push him away, I should push him away because he shouldn't be going near me.
Kasi alam ko na sa oras na hawakan ko siya ulit, hindi ko na siya magagawang bitawan pang muli. Baka sa pagkakataong ito ay ikukulong ko na ang sarili ko habang nakatali sa kanya, but I am not that stupid to do that to him.
I maybe stupid for falling in love with him but I am not stupid to take his freedom away from him. He might not admit it yet he know he wanted to set himself free from my arms because unlike me, I am not his home. He just found solace on me because I was there for him when he was at his darkest.
I did understand him.
"Huwag mo naman ako itulak palayo. Gusto kong bumawi sa iyo, gusto kitang harapin, gusto kong sabihin sa iyo na hindi ko ginustong saktan ka..."
I chuckled. "Hindi mo ginusto? Eh bakit mo ginawa?"
Everything hurts again.
"Pwede mo namang itigil ng kusa bakit pinagpatuloy mo pa rin. Bakit ang tapang mo noong panahong sinaktan mo ako pero ngayon hindi mo na ako kayang harapin para harapin ang mga kasalanan mo?"
"Sorry."
Iyon tayo eh, sa milyon-milyong pagkakamali na binato at ginawa niya sa akin ang tanging ibabalik niya lang ay isang salita.
Isang salita na alam kong kahit maikli lang kaya kong intindihin.
"Iyan tayo eh, alam mong kaya kitang patawarin kaya ayan... alis ka ng alis kasi alam mong hahabulin kita, balik ka ng balik kasi alam mong tatanggapin kita. Pero tangina, bakit hanggang dito lang?" I wept.
Saglit na nga lang ang panahon ko para makausap siya, hindi pa totoo.
Hindi ko nga alam kung maalala ko pa ito lahat pagkagising ko.
Nilibot ko iyong mata ko sa paligid, I saw glimpse of different conversation we used to share long ago. The bond we used to had, the fun we use to share in group chats, the conversation that only both of us know. The memories we had are here. Nakapaskil sa tagpuang ito ang lahat ng ala-ala.
June 30, 2022. The day I officially considered him as my friend. I was first amazed by his personality, I decided that I'll turn him to be one of my role models.
The June 2022 me was so amazed with him. And if he has the opportunity to tell the world how amazing his friend was, he will probably scream. He will forever be proud of him.
The 2022 me that wanted to protect and keep him so badly. That old self that make sure he is alright because he don't want him to experience the pain he had with people he once loved.
I remember how I prayed to the heavens to heal his broken heart and I plead the heavens to not allow him to be hurt again. Because he's too precious. Like a fragile glass that may break anytime, I don't want that to happen.
June 30, 2024. It feels different. I don't know what feeling should I feel during that time I saw his name on my screen again after month of waiting. I felt happy because finally he is back, I was mad too because of what he did, and I feel pain because what took him so long? My heart has been longing for him, but I can't help but cry because I can't move a step closer to him because every step hurts me so much.
It feels empty.
I had been longing for him but I runaway from him because I can't come closer. It will just hurt everything more.
But I only have one wish during that time. I wish he's happy. I hope he's no longer hurting, and I hope he's in in the right hands. I hope the world is treating him well now. Because I am no longer there to look at him. I am no longer there to check on him. Even if I am not obliged to.
Same date, different feeling. Was it a coincidence that he came back on the same day I met him or what is really fated to be like that?
Everything was here. This place remembers everything.
He remained standing on his position awhile ago and he is not moving. I tried to get up even if I am struggling to move. I tried walking near him, I didn't removed my gaze on his beautiful eyes. When I was already an inch closer to him, I didn't hesitate to encircle my arms around him.
I started crying. Maalala ko pa kaya ang lahat ng ito, kapag nagising na ako sa katotohanan na hindi ito totoo?
Nagawa ko siyang mayakap sa tagpuan na hindi ko alam kung saan. But this place is my sanctuary, because this holds a huge memory of the two of us.
Us?
Us as friends, because we were never lovers.
My feelings remained one sided from beginning to end. It's painful but it's fine, that's reality. Some things really need to hurt, you need to bleed and at the same time, you need to heal yourself too.
Sobrang higpit ng yakap ko sa kanya, ni hindi ko siya kayang pakawalan. Hindi siya gumagalaw sa kanyang kinakatayuan at hinayaan niya lang ako na yakapin siya at umiyak ako sa kanya. Umiyak dahil ayoko siyang mawala, ayoko siyang pakawalan pero hindi maaari kasi hindi ko naman siya pag-aari. Wala akong karapatan sa kanya, I don't want to be selfish and I don't want him to stay beside me for a lifetime. Hindi niya ako responsibilidad at hindi sa akin umikot ang mundo niya, hindi kagaya ko na hindi nabubuo ang araw kung wala siya.
Sa pagdilat ko ng aking mata, alam kong papalayain ko na siya. Hiling ko na sana sa susunod ay hindi na siya muling magpakita pa sa akin, kasi mas lalo lang sasakit. Mas lalo akong maghahangad sa kanya kahit alam kong hindi na siya pupunta kasi para saan pa? Hindi niya alam na may naiwan siya na nagpahalaga sa kanya ng sobra.
"Mahal kita pero tama na..."
BINABASA MO ANG
HIRAYA
RomanceA book anonymously published by an individual gone viral and reached a wide range of people, that includes Jay Park, a college student from Ateneo De Manila University who was never interested in novels. That novel had somewhat caught his attention...
