Breathing Ashes

Chapter 9 - Padme

Author's Note: Don't expect Vader and Padme to sort things out easily... if ever. xP

~ Amina Gila

He will admit to feeling slightly better after talking to Obi-Wan, but it only makes him long for the past even more. Vader had spent so much time trying to disassociate himself from his past, so it wouldn't feel quite so much like it was tearing him apart. The loss and everything that happened to him on Mustafar was too much for him to handle.

Now that he and Obi-Wan are interacting slightly more freely, it's bringing back everything that he's tried so hard to forget. It reminds him of everything he so desperately doesn't want to remember.

Because craving for the past will not bring it back. Wishing Obi-Wan hadn't done everything he did to him won't undo the past any more than it can for Vader's own actions.

His fear of showing weakness is driving Vader to keep his distance, but he's growing accustomed to the fear the same way he was with Sidious. It's a constant, ever-present part of his life now. And yes, he hates that Obi-Wan has this effect on him, but he hates himself even more for letting everything go down the way it did. He wishes he hadn't fought back there. Maybe that's part of why it feels like he can't now. (He wishes he hadn't... hurt Obi-Wan there, even if it was all in self-defense. Even if nothing Vader did there was against the Jedi way.)

But either way, they're on their way to Tatooine, where they finally succeeded in tracking Padme. It's been two months since it all started, and it hasn't been nearly long enough for Vader to grow accustomed to their relationship, or the fact that Sidious is gone, but they have something, at least.

But nothing in the galaxy could begin preparing him to see Padme again. Vader still hasn't dared to ask Obi-Wan why she brought him to Mustafar, what he did to her that made her betray him (or what she did to him), but he has no doubt it's going to end up coming up, and he... wants answers, but he fears them even more. He fears that his view of Obi-Wan might somehow be shattered farther.

Once, he thought it was neigh impossible for Obi-Wan to break the Jedi Code. Except he has, in ways worse than even Vader himself has done – and he doesn't... know how far that went. (Palpatine had warned him about it. He himself had feared for Padme's disloyalty. He just doesn't know how far it went. Doesn't want to.)

Except now that they're here, there's no backing out.

Vader lands the ship near the homestead, heart pounding. He holds back mentioning his concerns as he always does. Obi-Wan doesn't need to know how scared he is.

The engine powers down and the ramp lowers. This is the same as every landing, but it somehow doesn't feel like it.

"Are you ready?" Obi-Wan asks him.

Certainly not. "Yes."

"Then come along. We haven't all day." He's being cranky again. Is it where they are, who they're meeting, or something else Vader did that he's choosing to complain about? It's not as if he's about to ask his master that question.

Keeping back a long list of very snarky comments, Vader follows him outside. This is really not the best planet in the galaxy to be wearing black.

Truthfully, he's just trying to distract himself from the inevitable. He doesn't – doesn't want to see Padme again. He's never going to be ready for that.

They've scarcely interacted with people aside from each other, but the times they have, it's always been brief. (Maybe that's why they're so close.) The thought of interacting with someone else who Vader was close to before scares him.