"Oh..." I trailed off. I think I was in denial. For my entire life, boys didn't show interest in me. Even before my step-dad came into my life, I was a recluse--avoiding any and everyone that even looked my way. My urge to be alone deepened after my step-dad died. Hell, even my friendship with Charlie was because she wasn't taking no for an answer. So it was difficult being presented the option to choose. I've never had the opportunity to choose.
Even with all of that considered, my emotions toward him were an enigma. One, because he was a man. It goes without saying that my relationship toward men was damaged. Irreparable, even. I was proud of myself for even being in a room alone with a man right now. Two, because all of his actions could have been misread as simply being friendly. This sudden and blatant display of interest in me didn't allow me time to sit and figure out my emotions.
I would be a liar to say he didn't make me...feel things. But having never felt those things before, I couldn't verify that it was my mutual attraction.
I thought of would Charlie would say. She had her questionable moments, but she literally had a Master's degree in giving advice to people like me. She tells me all of the time, 'You can not get over your fear until you face it.' Was this the opportunity to face my fear?
The last, but most obvious, obstacle of the situation that stood before me was that he was in a relationship. In a relationship with someone who conveniently asked me if I liked her man not even an hour ago. But the words 'take you on a date' made the butterflies in my stomach say 'Sorry, Santana, maybe I do like your man'.
"Nas..."
"You ain't gotta say yes right now," he said "I'm just tryna go with the flow of how I feel, and I'm feeling you."
"You shouldn't be feeling me if you have a girlfriend. That's not fair to her."
"Like I said, it's a lot about her you don't know. But I'm not a cheater, and I won't pursue you until I'm done with her. I'm just letting you know where my emotions stand."
I looked around the room trying to calm the nerves that were lighting up inside my chest. This was entirely new territory for me and I had no map to navigate my way to a solution where no one would get hurt. I could hurt Nas by declining his request, I could hurt Santana by popping out with her boyfriend that I foolish told her I had no feelings for, or I could hurt myself by trusting a man and end up being mistreated again. Someone was bound to get the short end of the stick.
He must have sensed the internal conflict that was taking place in my mind, because he once again assured me there was no pressure.
"We can do this the right way if we want to, but I don't want to force you if you uncomfortable."
"Just let me think about it, okay?" By think about it, I meant beg Charlie for help.
"So, that's not a no?"
"I really think you should talk to Santana. When you two get all of that figured out, come talk to me." I brushed past him and sped walked back to the foyer to find Charlie.
The girl didn't even realize I had been missing for 30 minutes, as she was now cuddled up on the couch with the same girl she was with when I left.
"Are you ready to go?" I asked her as I approached the couch.
"Uh, do it look like I'm ready to go?" she gestured to the woman next to her.
"I think we should go, Char," I said through gritted teeth.
Finally catching the hint, she widened her eyes and nodded her head. "Imma call you tomorrow!" she yelled at the woman as I dragged her away. We waited for valet to pull Charlie's car around, then hopped in and left.
