The Horrors of 2018

Double-Edged Sword

Warning, contains cussing and a mention of self h_rm.

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today ws meant to be fun
last night i hoped and prayed that tmrw would be a good day with only som minor inconviendes
and yeah it started out good but then
my friend came back and i was supr happy and my writing block went away for a littl but then i told my other friend about it andni felt bad after talking but only a little bad so i thought "todays gonna be better this is only a little mishap"
but i was fucking wrong
so damn fucking wrong
i spent some time breathing fresh air and i flt bettr but as soon as i entered the house i changed clothes and stuff and allat
and then i talked to the friend from earlier
i said one wrong thing
"sobbing at 4am"
and things went downhill
i didnt mean to

i didnt want to warrant that kind of reaction
and then
im started cryingh in a room
im doing better now
but i was crying in room
im in the same room
my eyes fucking hurt
the friend says i can talk to them if i feel sad but

ako ay takot

i dont know what to do
its hard to push those stupid thoughts back
no more hxrm anymore
i want to be outside again
to feel happy
and look up at the leaves of a pine tree as its windy
sitting in fresh air
because i will not feel shit
the sky was beautiful
i wish at any time i could go outside under the same pine tree and have time to myself
wishes dont come true if you say them out loud though
those happy thoughts
they make me feel okay
but then
i know it will not be like that forever
and i stress about everything that will happen
and with those happy shitty little thoughts
comes a price

so its been an hour or two
i cried again

they nearly said their final goodbye and since i dont know them irl i couldnt do shit about it
all i could do was type in caps telling them to stop and not to do it