A Mind Full of Endless Thoughts

4

   My soul is damaged beyond repair, but you always thought my soul wasn't dark, maybe damaged, but it wasn't dark. These words constantly play in my mind. I'm not too religious and you weren't either. I wonder where you are now. The sin you openly lived surely would have landed you in hell, where your soul would burn eternally, according to Christians, but you didn't believe in that. You believed that when a person died, they went where they were free. That their soul would roam where they wanted it to and that things would be the way they wanted them to.

   "Everybody has a soul." I told you I didn't have a soul and you said I did. Then I said that it was dark, and you told me it was damaged. You said that souls are just the attachment through which we live. I didn't really understand it then and I don't fully understand it now, but I do think what you meant was that our soul is who we truly are and through that is how we govern our lives and personalities, basically every aspect of who we are and what we do. You believed that at some point in everyone's life that they had a damaged soul. I asked you how'd you know mine was damaged and not dark. At first you said nothing and then you'd just smile a smile that I loved so much. I wish I could see it one more time. Then you told me that you knew it wasn't dark because I hadn't completely given up.

   How could you have possibly known that? I asked you how you knew, and you told me that if I had that I wouldn't be there and I wouldn't have become your friend. Blue, I fucked up and no matter how hard I try. I can't help but feel like I damaged your soul beyond repair. You wouldn't want me feeling this way, but it is the truth and I wish it wasn't. Your soul was pure, bright, and full of light, or at least that's what I thought, but you were just as damaged as I was, and I was so oblivious to it. My selfishness caused me to lose one of the most important things in my life. Our souls were damaged together and had I been able to realize that sooner, we could've fixed each other's souls. To you there was no such thing as being damaged beyond repair. I loved how you believed that. I loved the deep conversations we had, and I loved everything about you. I wish I could just talk to you one more time. Maybe I'd get a glimpse of that damaged soul and stop it before it becomes too late.

   Without you here I have no soul. Where do lost souls go? Am I destined to be wandering the earth endless when I die, or will I find you? How can my soul find you if I don't have one? It can't, right? I didn't have a soul when I met you either or at least that's what I thought. What did you see in me that I couldn't see in myself? I didn't deserve the love that you felt for me, and you deserved every bit of love I felt for you, but unfortunately, I didn't give it to you. I hope you didn't become a lost wandering soul because if so, I am to blame for it. Blue I'm sorry. I'll probably be apologizing so much, but I don't know how else to tell you, I'm sorry. Can you see and hear me from where you are? Are you watching over me like some sort of guardian angel or are you not able to see me at all? Sometimes it still feels like you're still here with me, but I know that that is only my imagination and that you aren't actually here.

   I am one fucked up induvial and you'd always tell me we're all fucked up one way or another when I said that. I don't understand how I was able to hang on to every word you said. That's why I can quote you so well. The things we talked about and the things you said to me will stay with me forever. They replayed over and over in my mind when died. You truly believed every single person was fucked up in their own way, but you were wrong. I'm more fucked up then you thought I was. You probably died because of me. How fucked up was that. I drove you away. You were fucked up too. The way you would yell and get angry at me for the simple things. You were afraid that it would fuck up our friendship, but no matter what you did, I couldn't pull away from you. I just wanted to be close to you no matter what. Your mind was full of awful thoughts. I remember when I first saw the cuts on your body.