A Mind Full of Endless Thoughts

11

   Pushing people away is a big problem for me. I tend to push away a lot of people who try to get close to me and I think it has something to do with that monster. I let him get close to me I trusted him, and he betrayed me, but anyway I push people away a lot and this is mainly the reason I end up alone and by myself when that isn't what I want I don't want to be by myself. I just wanted to be with someone. I'm kind of glad I didn't go to your funeral if you had one. That would've been one the hardest things I think I would ever have had to. I don't under any circumstances go to funerals. There is always too much going on and I hate seeing dead people. It isn't that they scare me, it's just that they put thoughts into my head and my imagination runs wild. What I mean by that is I start to think about their life and about all the things that could've happened or what their life was like. I don't know why I do it, but I do.

   I like the way my grandmother thinks about funerals though. She said when she goes, she wants all of us to be happy and wear colorful colors and play joyful music. She doesn't want a gloomy funeral and frankly neither do I. Who ever said that all funerals got to be sad and shit. Like that fucking sucks. I don't like seeing people crying and doing the most because when that person was here you weren't doing all that. Also, it's the only time you get to get all the family together or some other significant thing happens. Why when someone dies you see people you didn't know existed like that's stupid.

   I also don't like seeing people cry. I hate to see people cry and look so broken. I wrote a whole poem on how death is the best part of life. Dying is the most beautiful gift anyone could receive because living in a world like this feels like more of a punishment than a gift. I'm not sure how much I believe that anymore since I keep losing people I care about. Its fine until it's you huh. That was my philosophy until I lost someone I cared about. It kind of still is my philosophy. I just wish I didn't have to lose people I cared about so early. Why couldn't we all grow old together? There were so many people you didn't get to meet. The concept of death is such a wandering thought. I guess I have more questions for God, the universe, higher power. So, life was created, but only to give it death or was death just a consequence or reaction to life. I'm very confused and would like some clarity. Personally, I would not like to die, but I am curious to know why people die well before they should or what exactly is death, or the act of dying. It was never thoroughly explained in the bible or no biblical text for that matter through none of the religions. Is death a person or is it just a thing that happens. Is it something that merely exists to control the population over the earth? It just seems a bit cruel that you get to live a life and then you have to give all that up and go wherever you go when you die. There are just so many contradicting factors when it comes to the world. Will these questions ever be answered are must I just wonder and use my imagination.

   Speaking of imagination, what if the world I live in and the world that I am completely surrounded by just a figment of my mind. What if I'm stuck in my head and I am living in a world I created of my own free will? Am I controlling my universe and ultimately, I am guiding myself through my own demise. It would be funny if it was. I can possibly see it being a thing because I have one hell of a creative mind and I can see myself creating a world with so many different plot twist and conundrums and so many unexplained things, but I couldn't see myself being the cause for my downfall because if I created my own world. Why would I create one where I get close to people only to take them away? That would be insane right. I actually feel a little bit insane just thinking about this whole thing.

   Human beings are some of the most detrimental diseases to the planet that we live on. I can't stand them and in turn I guess that means I can't stand my own self. I hate being around people. I hate the thought, or the idea of people and it isn't all people, but just most of them I don't think that everyone has a purpose here. I believe that some people are a waste of space, and I don't mean the disabled or the homeless or human beings that are looked down on because of their abnormalities no I mean human beings who think they are better than everyone else. People are mean and ugly, and I just don't understand why. Is it that hard to be nice and kindhearted or to care about people? I guess it kind of is, but it's really not. People were created to destroy and that's the ugly truth no one is willing to admit. As much good that comes into the world there is worse that outweighs it when it should be the opposite. I don't know, I just really hate the concept or the idea of what it really means to be a human, mundane, or a living being.