A Mind Full of Endless Thoughts

8

    Are you a forgotten person? Remembering is the hard part and forgetting is easy. Is forgetting really that easy? Maybe for some, but not for me. You didn't die in the line of duty and that is perfectly ok. I like to think it was because you were in the military, I wish you would've got the help you needed. Or maybe what you needed was just clarity and reassurance from me. Someone you considered to be your best friend and something more. Eventually though won't you become a forgotten person to me. Will I ever forget about you? I feel like if I completely forget about you then I'll remember you at the worst moments and have a hell of a break down and I don't want that, but I do want to forget you. It just isn't that fucking easy, but should it be really. What happened is something that replays over in mind. When I do try to remember I just see flashes and it's all blurred. I don't even know if you had a funeral. I couldn't get over what happened even ask after I was discharged. Were you dead to me before you were even dead to me? No, you weren't, even if it felt like that, I'm telling you it wasn't. I just wish I could know what was going through your head in the final moments as you took your last breath.

   Forgetting you isn't the easy part. It's the hard part and remembering you will be the easy part because all it will take is for me to hear or see something and instantly be reminded of you. Shit me myself is a constant reminder of you. Your pain was real, and I completely ignored that. I apologize if I sound repetitive, but I need you to know and I need you to understand that this shit wasn't on purpose Blue. None of this was supposed to happen. We were never supposed to be friends. I was never supposed to let you in, and I definitely was supposed to do half of the things I did with you. I was curious and you were intriguing and entertaining. Who knew that falling in love would cost you your life? You definitely didn't think this shit was going to cost you your life and I feel like shit that it did. Don't think bad of me, will you?

   Remember me too forever because I swear no matter how hard I try I won't be able to forget you. Now I wished I would've done all the things you wanted to do. Maybe I wouldn't feel as shitty as I do right now. I don't think I'll ever run out of tears to cry for you. I try to put up this mind block because ever since I've come to this new place, you'll pop into my mind, and I'll shut down and my mom just keeps asking me if I am okay. I just lie and say yes, but I want desperately to tell her the truth, but I can't. I know I can't because then she'll know. She'll see the guilt. Maybe she should?

   Blue, I love you and I miss you every fucking day. Why did I fuck this up? The fucked up thing about this whole situation is that you weren't the first person who I pushed away. Another friend I had decided to take his life because I was so careless and didn't pay attention. I wasn't there for him when he needed me the most and he's gone now. Why do people find comfort in me so much? What the fuck is so special about me? I've lost three people I care about two to suicide and then I lost you to whatever.

   Remember that guide I said wrote about how I was going to live life so that I wouldn't hurt anyone as much as I've hurt you. Well, I also wrote another one to protect myself from being hurt. At some point I realized that this method wouldn't work, but I still wanted to share it with you.

1. I'll always keep my heart guarded.

   I will stop letting people break my guard and get underneath the surface to my heart. My heart seems to be dangerous every single time, I let someone enter it, the shit back fires on me. That isn't fair to me isn't it. It isn't fair that I destroy them every single time. No matter what I have to do to keep myself safe and keep someone out and from getting to know the real me I will do it. I don't want people to get under the surface and figure out who I am. I don't deserve love not after what I did to you. I don't deserve to be happy, but what I do deserve to is to be alone and by myself with my thoughts.