Indisputably Yours

23.

I stood there in her embrace, stiff, stomach clenched, lost in a fog of warring thoughts as a tempest of emotions collided within me.

I didn't know what to feel—relief, sadness, guilt, confusion—all these emotions, they were jumbled inside me, confusing me.

"I'm so sorry, honey." My mother said to me, squeezing me tighter. "I shouldn't have doubted you, I've always known you to make smart choices."

I nodded into her shoulder, unsure of what to say or how to react. I should've been happy and relieved but...What was wrong with me? Wasn't this what I wanted?

My mother pulled away and stared at me. Her brows furrowed. She cupped my cheeks. "Baby, you don't look happy."

Was I?

"I am," I said, managing a weak smile.

She caressed my cheeks. "Do you want to take another test just to be sure? there's still one more strip left."

I shook my head. "It's fine, I always knew I wasn't pregnant anyway."

"Maybe it's your period trying to get the best of you, I'll make some chowder for you before you leave."

I smiled again. "Thanks, Mum."

She rubbed my arms. "Rest up okay, you have a long flight tomorrow."

I nodded and hugged her one more time. "I love you, Mum."

When she left, I walked to the counter and stared down at the strip.

Negative.

It was stark and clear against the white background. My nostrils moistened. I sniffled and leaned over the counter, allowing the reality of my situation to crash over me. I guess the thought of getting pregnant did scare me but there was a little part of my heart that had been hoping for a different outcome. It was a truth that I wasn't fully aware of until this very moment; even if I wasn't quite ready, I wanted to be pregnant by Tristan because I loved him.

Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, making them sting. God, why was I crying? I laughed at myself. Why did it feel like I had lost something I didn't even have? A tear fell. I brushed it off harshly. Fuck this, I placed the strip back on the counter and washed my hands before walking out of my bathroom.

It was probably for the best. Tristan didn't want kids and his decision needed to be respected. He'd been through a lot already.

Inhaling a deep breath, I walked over to the window and opened it, hoping to find some solace in the night sky. The air was chilly and the sky was dark with barely a star left to look at. I leaned over the windowsill and expelled another breath. That was when I noticed a soft glow of light emanating from Lee's house. As I looked closely, curiosity piqued, I could see the silhouette of a man passing by the open window with a cup in his hand.

Xavier.

Seeming to have sensed my gaze, he stopped, receded and peered through his window at me. A small warm smile curved his lips. He raised his hand in a wave. He was shirtless.

I managed a wave, feeling a hint of a smile tugging at my lips as I remembered our rodeo in his car. I could use that kind of laughter right now. I stepped back away from the window and sighed. Maybe I should call Tristan, he was the only one who could chase away this sudden loneliness that settled within me. I missed him and—

My phone buzzed on the nightstand.

I walked to it and picked it up, welcomed by a message from Xavier.

Xavier: can't sleep?

I leaned against the wall and texted back.

Me: yeah.