It's All About You ⌘ Joe Sugg ✓

Chapter 79

Nathan died that day, the 12th of December, with myself and his parents beside him and the beeping of the heart monitor breaking the silence.

I cried, I cursed, I asked why over and over again - however none of it was any use. Nothing could bring him back. Eventually everything became too much - the stillness of Nathan's chest, the look of utter grief on his parent's faces and the aching hurt inside me that seemed to be growing larger in this atmosphere. I had to get out of there. I don't even think Susan and Gary noticed me leave - they were too busy saying goodbye to a son that was already gone.

I'm now outside of the hospital, sitting on one of the benches in the mini courtyard that's outside the entrance. The tears coating my cheeks are beginning to dry from the soft draft that billows around me, lifting up strands of my hair gently. I look up through the leaves of the tree above me, up into the unblemished blue sky.

I wonder if Nathan's up there, in the beautiful stretch of blue, the occasional bird soaring above me or plane departing from Auckland airport. Everything up there looks so free.

I sat out there in the gentle summers breeze beneath that tree for longer than I care to remember, but when the reality of Nathan being gone finally started to sink in I realised that I needed more than just a secluded bench outside the hospital. I needed a bed where I could rest my tired eyes and escape all of this madness. I knew I wouldn't cry any more - I had just about run dry of tears. I just wanted to rest, and ideally I wanted Joe beside me. But we can't have everything in life.

I eventually ring up Sophie and tell her the news - she doesn't waste any time in saying she'll be there to pick me up. I thank her and hang up, but I keep my phone clenched in my hand, contemplating ringing my parents. I suspect that Nathan's parents are still far too caught up to even consider letting anyone know right now, so I dismiss the thought and tuck my phone away. They'll know soon enough.

I lean back on the bench and stare at a patch of grass by my feet, watching as the dappled patches of sun from sway slightly as the leaves above move in the draft. I think about England, and all the new friends I've made, and the incredible life I've built for myself. I think about Joe, the only person who I've ever truly been in love with. I think about all the things I surround myself with, and now that Nathan's gone he is no longer part of the picture. I know it's going to be hard, but I also know that he was proud of me for everything I've achieved, and hopefully now his spirit is right here to guide me through whatever else life throws at me.

He was a special kind of person and I don't believe that he will ever truly die. Like he said, he'll be in the air, the trees, the earth and the stars - but most of all he'll be in my memory, a positive, vibrant friend that helped me through so many hard times. I helped him through his very last hard time even if it was only for a short while - and I don't regret a single thing.

I just miss Joe, and I wish he could see where I was coming from. There's a whole in my heart that only he can fill, and I'm just praying he'll forgive me soon. I don't know how much more I can take.

I see Sophie's car pull into the hospital car park and I stand up from the bench, stretching my hands over my head as I go. I amble over to where she is parked and she climbs out the front seat before I can even get there, her eyes clouded with worry. I must look a right mess because she rushes over to me, throwing her arms around me and squeezing hard. I gingerly place my hands on her back, resting my head on her shoulder as she hugs me tightly.

"Let's get you home." She says simply, and when she retracts from the embrace I let my arms hang loosely by my sides, letting out a deep breath as I do. I nod slowly, and she turns around to go back to her car. I follow her and climb into the front passenger seat.