It's All About You ⌘ Joe Sugg ✓

Chapter 81

The funeral was just as I expected it to be. Stiff, formal, structured - for the first half an hour of the service I found not a single scrap of Nathan's influence. The pastor droned on about Heaven and the bible, things that were meaningful in their own right - but his monotonous words soared straight over my head. In fact, I blanked out everything else around me for a while, and simply focused on the photograph of Nathan at the front. That smile was Nathan from the beginning of his life to the very end.

Throughout the service we were prompted to stand up from the hard wooden seats, and we sang the hymns printed on the program with heavy lips and tear stained cheeks. Poems were read out. Speeches were attempted and then abandoned in the first thirty seconds. Through it all Joe kept his sweaty hand locked with mine and the sun shone a steady beam of tainted light into the church. That singular ray of sunshine was probably the only accurate tribute to Nathan in the entire service.

I wish I could say that I was brave, and that I stood up when the call was made for all those that wished to say something. I had a thousand words brewing in my head and my lips were quivering with the effort of holding them back; however at the cue to stand I simply blinked away the gathering moisture in my eyes and shrunk further into Joe. I couldn't find the strength.

And even when the final prayer was spoken and the church was left silent (save for the subtle sobbing noises that echoed through the room like ghosts), the farewell wasn't over. There was still the cremation, and the family wake, and the memorial at our old high school - so many different ceremonies to see him off. Although it probably wasn't right of me to think it, none of those gatherings appealed to me. They were simply organised events that would undoubtedly make my cry and leave me feeling emptier than before.

Now the service really is coming to a close, and suddenly the moment I have been dreading all day is upon me. I have to console his family.

I haven't seen them since he died - I didn't even bother to call or text them, since I figured they would be in no state to communicate with anyone. My parents are already over with the crowd of family members milling about the coffin, their arms wide and eyes sympathetic.

I steal a few breaths and tighten my already visage-like grip on Joe's hand.

"You okay baby?" He says quietly. I keep my eyes fixed on the group of vaguely recognisable people standing around the coffin. People attending the funeral classed as 'not family' aren't a part of this crowd - they stand around the fringes, watching grief unfold before them.

"Not really... But that's pretty normal for me now." Joe says nothing but presses a soft kiss to the side of my head in response. If he wasn't here I would be doing far worse than 'not okay'.

I stand up from the hard wooden seat abruptly, knowing that if I take my time the strength in me might just falter. Joe stands up hastily with me, keeping me close to him as he does. I lead the way through the aisle and towards the front on the church.

People cast tear-filled glances at us as we approach the throng, and I return these with a sad smile. These people don't realise that I have reached the height of my grieving already - I have reached the absolute pinnacle, and now I am left to make the torturous descent back to normality again. I don't think I will ever again cry like I did on the night that Joe came back to me and Nathan left me forever.

The small crowd parts slightly to let me through - I nod at some people that register faintly in my memory as distant relatives of Nathan or old high school friends. I suddenly wish that I had kept in contact with more of these people, but in truth they were never really my friends. Nathan was the only person who I considered to be a true friend.

Nathan's parents both hug me simultaneously, while Joe stands awkwardly to the side watching us. With the two of them surrounding me and squeezing me tightly, I feel as if I am standing in a place that Nathan used to possess. Maybe I was filling up the void for them by being here, even if it was only for a short while.