Love the Impossible

Chapter 6 - Octavian's P.O.V.

I've never liked Percy Jackson. I'm probably the only person who doesn't like Percy Jackson.

Rachel likes Percy Jackson...

SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, I'M NOT GOING THERE! SHE IS NOT CUTE WHEN SHE'S ANGRY, SHE'S NOT, SHE'S NOT, SHE'S NOT, SHE'S NOT, I WILL NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.

She is so cute when she's angry...

I hate myself. I want to stop existing now, thank you very much. The heat of the Underworld isn't worse than the blush that refuses to leave my cheeks. I'm blushing over Rachel. Rachel. She's so... UGH! I pull on her stupid t-shirt and pace the cave for a minute. Then I leave.

Then I come back.

"What are you doing Octavian? Who ARE you? What are you doing? You don't belong here, you don't want to be here, so why are you here?" I'm talking to myself. When you're the Augur, you're the camp freak. No one is your friend. People talk to you, but it's usually to poke fun.

So you talk to yourself. It hurts less.

I have never had friends. So I talk to myself.

Somethings I can just think, but others I have to say out loud. So I talk to myself.

"You walked out shirtless right in front of someone you hate. You're supposed to be dead and when dead people stroll out in front of living people, it's kind of conspicuous. I should be dead..." I stop talking when I say that. I hadn't meant to say that. Should I be dead?

I sit down in the corner where I slept last night. I need answers. I NEED ANSWERS! Tears drip down my face. I don't know when they started, but I don't try to stop them. I wouldn't be caught dead crying at Camp Jupiter. But what's the point of smothering my tears now? I'm dead! At least. I should be. I died for a reason.

The reason is I was a first class jerk, I assume. Everyone always said it. That's why I died. I didn't deserve to live. I didn't deserve to have friends. I didn't deserve to escape the Underworld. Death is what I deserve. Everyone always said it. But Rachel is different. Maybe I have a chance to be something other than the hated Augur with her. Maybe I have a chance to be a person.

What if I got a chance to be a real person, not driven by greed or insanity? What if I was a real person for once and gave up on wanting to be the best, wanting to be the hero? Would I actually get a happy ending if I wasn't always so obsessed with being the hero?

I'll never get a happy ending. I'm already dead and I will never have a life where I'm not constantly reminded about the fact I'm supposed to be dead. I don't think I'll even get to have much of a life before I'm dragged back kicking and screaming to my new home in the Underworld. That's where I belong now. Not here with Rachel. I will NEVER have a happy ending! Never! The tears fall harder. I need to leave. I don't belong here. Alaska, why not? The 'land beyond the gods'. I don't need anymore gods in my life anyway. They just complicate things and my life is already complicated. Or...

I could go home. Track down my parents and show up on their doorstep. Give them Hades for what they did to me. I wouldn't be this messed up if hadn't started with their decision to dump me at Camp Jupiter, no phone calls or birthday cards or anything that remotely resembles family.

I wonder how it went with Rachel's dad. If he's as horrible as she said she was. I wonder if she's okay. I can't help wondering about her. I'm in her cave surrounded by her things, so of course all my thoughts are about her. Even when I close my eyes... Its only because I'm surrounded by all her stupid stuff. That has to be it. So why do I think she's cute? Well I'm not blind! She is cute! She's very cute, but that doesn't mean I like her! I don't like her, I can't like her, I can't, I can't, I won't, I won't... The tears fall faster now.

Rachel is gone! She went with her dad, she's not coming back maybe for months! Just leave! You don't like her and, even if you do, what does it matter, because she will never like you in return! You will never get a happy ending, you'll always be evil, you'll never be the hero, you'll never even be human! Just give up on having friends! Just get up on Rachel! Just LEAVE, instead of moping around in this stupid camp where you can never be happy, because you'll never belong!

Why does it hurt so bad? Why does it hurt to know that I'll never belong, that I'll never have friends and that I'll never be with Rachel? She knows what I did she's not just going to take me back like that. I say take me back, as if she ever liked me. I killed myself! I endangered the camps and went insane. I don't deserve anything good happening to me.

I need to get a grip and give up already. It's not happening. It's never happening. Just leave.

I steal one of her blankets, roll it up and leave. I don't make it far though. I run straight into Rachel, knocking both of us down.